Best of Nappoholics Anonymous 2018

Tony Nappo, of Nappoholics Anonymous fame, is taking a holiday break after another year of sharing twelve thoughts weekly. We’ve collected some of his wittiest ones to revisit over the break. 

1. When I turned fifty last week, I decided that I am saving swimming for my sixties, golf for my seventies, and Stratford for my eighties. (Week 89: Silver Medals, Removing Tattoos, and Septuagenarian Rocky Fighter Names)

2. The Right would have you believe that the student walkout last week was completely staged—that ALL THOSE THOUSANDS of American TEENS marching were just doing what they were told by the Left.

Yet I can’t even get one single thirteen-year-old girl to make her bed in the morning.

And I’m fucking scary.

(Week 92: Student Walkouts, St. Patrick’s Day, and Working at NASA)

3. How confident in aerospace technology do you have to be to order a Coke Zero on a ten hour transcontinental flight? This could be your last drink ever, motherfucker! Take the calories!!! (Week 109: Coke Zero, Ella’s Doughnuts, and Barbara from Nova Scotia)

4. That’s like me asking if I look like a guy who needs a veal sandwich. I may not NEED one but, just by looking at me, you can tell it’s only a matter of time until I’m having one. (Week 98: Incels, Money Scams, and Girls Like That at Tarragon Theatre)

5. The sign on the streetcar said, “treat your TTC worker the way that you’d like to be treated,” so I signed him to a five year option with top billing for $50,000 an episode. (Week 105: Ford Nation, Tony Nardi, and Focus Pullers)

6. You know your nose is fucking huge when they powder it for other people’s close-ups. (Week 84: Equity Deputies, Whose Part Is It Anyway?, and Dog Stuff)

7. My feelings about oatmeal are pretty simple. If I am not camping or in prison, I’m not fucking eating it. (Week 113: Oatmeal, Voter Fraud, and Lesser-Known Rhapsodies)

8. I spent World Theatre Day watching TV. I wanted to get a sense of what it’s like to avoid all the glamour and elitism of Toronto theatre and live like a “regular Joe” for just one day. (Week 94: Toronto Recycling, That’s What She Said, and World Theatre Day)

9. I was very fortunate, last week, in that a character I played on a television show two seasons ago has been brought back to guest star in a new episode.

At the wardrobe fitting, the designer said, “It would be great if he could be wearing the same jacket he wore last time. That way, the fans will recognize the character immediately.”

My first thought was, “What about my fucking face? They’ll recognize a jacket from two years ago before they recognize the fucking person wearing it???”

But I didn’t actually say that because she was referring to fans of a SPACE SHOW so there’s a pretty good chance that she might have been right. (Week 87: Marijuana Legalization, Peoplekind, and Fifty Shades Freed)

10. You know, all that weight I lost intermittent fasting, I totally fuckin’ found it. It would seem that it’s been hiding in Italy the whole time. (Week 108: Joey Pants, Weyni Mengesha, and Intermittent Fasting)

11. “The Impact of a Book” by Jorge Méndez Blake.

Eleanor Antoncic gets credit for the find and photo.

Brilliant.

(Week 90: Food Courts, Staying Up Until Midnight, and Inclusion Riders)

12. Somebody in my neighbourhood has named their wifi Pretty Fly for a Wifi. And I shall be immeasurably jealous of that for the rest of my life. (Week 91: March Break Mottos, Dr. Phil Moments, and Voting Habits)