On January 12, 2021 at 3pm EST, Ontario Premier Doug Ford declared a State of Emergency on my balls. This means that all of the people who have been ignoring them since the beginning of the pandemic took two minutes to study the new guidelines and will, most likely, continue to ignore them.
My new therapist says he is keen to get started working on my avoidance issues. Man, I’m really gonna miss that guy.
I was researching the story of the miracle of the oil that was used to light the Temple because I’d never actually known it.
How is a lockdown like a penis?
When I started seeing Sean Connery’s name pop up in my newsfeed Saturday. I thought, “Oh, fuck, no. Don’t tell me he is endorsing Trump now, too.”
If Joe Pesci got a face lift and had his Everything Interesting removed, he’d be Ralph Macchio.
What’s the difference between a Canadian actor and a Canadian Sex worker?
Most people who proudly identify as “serial monogamists” remind me of puppies. They’re fun for about three or four months and then people start getting tired of their shit.
Not to be outdone by Washington in terms of rebranding themselves with the most obvious and least creative name imaginable, the Leafs are now considering changing their name to the Toronto We-Are-Probably-Never-Going-Win-The-Cup-Agains.
You know those wonderful memories you have of your parents waving goodbye to you when you were a little kid? How they would do that right up until the very last second that you were out of sight? And remember how safe and confident that made you feel to be loved so intensely?
Online theatre is to actual theatre what almond milk is to actual milk. Or what Nicolas Cage movies are to actual movies.
I just thought of an amazing alternate name for all future Online Theatre Festivals. I would call them Watching TV.
These new Canadian government snitch lines are getting a little out of hand. Three cops came to my door last week and took away my World’s Greatest Lover coffee mug. I mean, that shit is fairly subjective, no?
Every day my parents watch Tim & Sid, two guys who have a show where they talk about professional sports. My parents watch them EVERY SINGLE DAY. Even though there have been no professional sports FOR THREE FUCKING MONTHS!!!!
The last demo reel I made in 2013 was 19 minutes long. The ideal demo reel is five minutes long.
How many fans of the last two U2 albums does it take to change a lightbulb?