Gottfried, Strays, and Easter Eggs
Dogs rarely have a hidden agenda when they meet people or other dogs: they’re either wagging that shit or they aren’t.
Slapping People, ACTRA Meetings, and Dog Shit
At one point, I was sleeping with so many actresses that they used to just hold ACTRA meetings in my bedroom.
Birthdays, Cranes, and Judd Apatow
If the Freedom Convoy has answered one question for every Canadian, I think it’s this: whatever happened to that dumb kid in my class?
Scorsese, Dentists, and Dying Alone
If waving a Fuck Trudeau flag is a legit way to get a meeting with him, I’m gonna start waving my Fuck Scorsese flag wherever I go and keep my fingers crossed.
Truckers, Porndle, and Bad Boys
In these newly woke times in the entertainment industry, it’s slightly amazing to me that nobody has protested the fact that Denzel Washington isn’t actually Scottish yet.
Squid Game, Pre-Madonnas, and CBC Porn
I got my hands on the first few episodes of the Sex and the City reboot, and was quite enjoying it before I realized I had opened the wrong file and was actually watching Golden Girls reruns.
Bingo Halls, Beatles Documentaries, and Land Acknowledgments
So glad to hear that poor-ass, backwoods, racist motherfuckers — who are dumb enough to actually film themselves in the act — still aren’t allowed to murder innocent people of colour in the United States. So there’s that, at least.
David Fox: March 24, 1941 – November 13, 2021
I won’t ever do something like this again with this column, but I wanted to do it just this once. For David Fox. Because I fucking love him. And I will fucking miss him.
Dave Chappelle, Masks Off Camera, and Non-Beef with Stratford
I say this over and over, but saying no is the only power you have as an actor. At least if you lose the job, you can lose it on your own terms, and not theirs. And I’m not speaking in theory here, I’m speaking from experience. I’ve been asked twice to re-audition for projects over the years. I said no both times. One time they kept me. One time they didn’t. Life went on just fine both times.
John Mulaney, Getting Old, and Serious Concerns
I don’t have answers. Just a lot of serious fucking concerns.
Fur Chakras, Hugs, and Paying to Self-Tape
Quick reality check: if your biggest problem after the last year and a half is that you’ve missed being hugged, you don’t actually have any fucking problems.
Renting Cars, Remembering Manson, and Knowing Your Worth
To me, a Leaf Fan cheering for the Habs is like someone cheating on a spouse or partner with their spouse or partner’s least favourite sibling.
Opening Doors, Painting Houses, and Spraying Roaches
I just finished serving my second 30-day sentence in Facebook Jail and I have to say, outside of Trump hogging the TV remote and switching it to Fox News all the fucking time, it really wasn’t so bad in there.
Some Are Getting Vaxxed, No One’s Getting Fucked, and Tony’s Getting Banned from Facebook (again)
My friend Trish told me that she was on Dundas Street when a van drove by and a guy with a megaphone told her that Jesus didn’t want us to take the vaccine. I told her that maybe the guy who chose to die by way of crucifixion to save mankind from its sins isn’t the one I want to take my self-care advice from.
Healthy Choices, Healthy Marriages, and Healthy Genitals
I recently realized that my four closest friends presently are all women who have broken up with me. I guess I just like surrounding myself with people who make wise life choices.
Despair, Hopeful Ghosts, and Tony Turns 200
I turned 53 years old yesterday (as always, apologies to anyone who lost money betting against that)…
