Fur Chakras, Hugs, and Paying to Self-Tape
Quick reality check: if your biggest problem after the last year and a half is that you’ve missed being hugged, you don’t actually have any fucking problems.
Renting Cars, Remembering Manson, and Knowing Your Worth
To me, a Leaf Fan cheering for the Habs is like someone cheating on a spouse or partner with their spouse or partner’s least favourite sibling.
Opening Doors, Painting Houses, and Spraying Roaches
I just finished serving my second 30-day sentence in Facebook Jail and I have to say, outside of Trump hogging the TV remote and switching it to Fox News all the fucking time, it really wasn’t so bad in there.
Some Are Getting Vaxxed, No One’s Getting Fucked, and Tony’s Getting Banned from Facebook (again)
My friend Trish told me that she was on Dundas Street when a van drove by and a guy with a megaphone told her that Jesus didn’t want us to take the vaccine. I told her that maybe the guy who chose to die by way of crucifixion to save mankind from its sins isn’t the one I want to take my self-care advice from.
Healthy Choices, Healthy Marriages, and Healthy Genitals
I recently realized that my four closest friends presently are all women who have broken up with me. I guess I just like surrounding myself with people who make wise life choices.
Despair, Hopeful Ghosts, and Tony Turns 200
I turned 53 years old yesterday (as always, apologies to anyone who lost money betting against that)…
Venn Diagrams, Orwell, and a Garbage Bag Burial
On January 12, 2021 at 3pm EST, Ontario Premier Doug Ford declared a State of Emergency on my balls. This means that all of the people who have been ignoring them since the beginning of the pandemic took two minutes to study the new guidelines and will, most likely, continue to ignore them.
Not Something to Pray Away, Not the Enemy, and Not in the Same Boat
My new therapist says he is keen to get started working on my avoidance issues. Man, I’m really gonna miss that guy.
Budgeting Miracles, Bad COVID Fringe Shows, and Tony’s New Porno
I was researching the story of the miracle of the oil that was used to light the Temple because I’d never actually known it.
Cheap Head, Good Art, and “Me Time” for Men
How is a lockdown like a penis?
Refereeing, Choreography, and Being 52
When I started seeing Sean Connery’s name pop up in my newsfeed Saturday. I thought, “Oh, fuck, no. Don’t tell me he is endorsing Trump now, too.”
Different Muscles, A Full Schedule, and Joe Pesci’s Facelift
If Joe Pesci got a face lift and had his Everything Interesting removed, he’d be Ralph Macchio.
Phase Three, Good Philosophy, and Phallic Portraits
What’s the difference between a Canadian actor and a Canadian Sex worker?
Star Fuckers, Serial Monogamists, and Anal Sex Anonymous
Most people who proudly identify as “serial monogamists” remind me of puppies. They’re fun for about three or four months and then people start getting tired of their shit.
Famous People Statues, Dr. Seuss, and Reading the Privacy Policy
Not to be outdone by Washington in terms of rebranding themselves with the most obvious and least creative name imaginable, the Leafs are now considering changing their name to the Toronto We-Are-Probably-Never-Going-Win-The-Cup-Agains.
Being Young, Fucking Off, and the Right Kind of Asshole
You know those wonderful memories you have of your parents waving goodbye to you when you were a little kid? How they would do that right up until the very last second that you were out of sight? And remember how safe and confident that made you feel to be loved so intensely?