Phase Three, Good Philosophy, and Phallic Portraits
What’s the difference between a Canadian actor and a Canadian Sex worker?
Star Fuckers, Serial Monogamists, and Anal Sex Anonymous
Most people who proudly identify as “serial monogamists” remind me of puppies. They’re fun for about three or four months and then people start getting tired of their shit.
Famous People Statues, Dr. Seuss, and Reading the Privacy Policy
Not to be outdone by Washington in terms of rebranding themselves with the most obvious and least creative name imaginable, the Leafs are now considering changing their name to the Toronto We-Are-Probably-Never-Going-Win-The-Cup-Agains.
Being Young, Fucking Off, and the Right Kind of Asshole
You know those wonderful memories you have of your parents waving goodbye to you when you were a little kid? How they would do that right up until the very last second that you were out of sight? And remember how safe and confident that made you feel to be loved so intensely?
Being That Asshole, Actual Milk, and a Cat Named Karen
Online theatre is to actual theatre what almond milk is to actual milk. Or what Nicolas Cage movies are to actual movies.
Italian Epics, Awkward Farts, and Apple Fritter Murder
I just thought of an amazing alternate name for all future Online Theatre Festivals. I would call them Watching TV.
Cat’s in the Cradle and a Car Ride
These new Canadian government snitch lines are getting a little out of hand. Three cops came to my door last week and took away my World’s Greatest Lover coffee mug. I mean, that shit is fairly subjective, no?
Shit Holes, Buckets of Shit, and Piece of Shit Racist MPs
Every day my parents watch Tim & Sid, two guys who have a show where they talk about professional sports. My parents watch them EVERY SINGLE DAY. Even though there have been no professional sports FOR THREE FUCKING MONTHS!!!!
Celebrity Goldfish, COVID Literature, and Tony’s Lengthy Reel
The last demo reel I made in 2013 was 19 minutes long. The ideal demo reel is five minutes long.
A Comparison, A Conversation, and a Content Warning
How many fans of the last two U2 albums does it take to change a lightbulb?
Some Resources, Some Advice, and Some Fucking Morons Online
Canadian Parliament is an essential service like McDonald’s is an essential part of a healthy diet.
Ubering For It, Paying For It, and Dying For It
One time an American friend asked me if, at this point in my career, I still had to audition to get roles. I told her that I worked in Canada—I still have to audition to get auditions.
Entitlement, Endurance, and Enjoying Morons
Sometimes I really really really enjoy watching fucking morons try to be clever on social media. They’re kinda cute. Like watching fawns trying to walk for the first time.
COVID Conspiracies, Karate Kid, and Nicolas Cage
Nicolas Cage is rumoured to be planning to play Joe Exotic in a Tiger King feature film because, apparently, he found one single spot in the coffin of his career that didn’t have a nail in it yet.
Jell-o, Mrs. America, and Semi-Automatic Assault Ovens
I decided to start counting my steps, just out of curiosity. I know it’s not a competition and I honestly am not trying to brag or intimidate anyone, but I came pretty damned close to breaking 100 steps this week.
Dying Wrong, Dying Redundantly, and Dying for a Manicure
Andrew Scheer has revealed himself, throughout this entire pandemic, to be a truly rare anomaly: a douche that actually makes things smell worse.