Entitlement, Endurance, and Enjoying Morons
Sometimes I really really really enjoy watching fucking morons try to be clever on social media. They’re kinda cute. Like watching fawns trying to walk for the first time.
COVID Conspiracies, Karate Kid, and Nicolas Cage
Nicolas Cage is rumoured to be planning to play Joe Exotic in a Tiger King feature film because, apparently, he found one single spot in the coffin of his career that didn’t have a nail in it yet.
Jell-o, Mrs. America, and Semi-Automatic Assault Ovens
I decided to start counting my steps, just out of curiosity. I know it’s not a competition and I honestly am not trying to brag or intimidate anyone, but I came pretty damned close to breaking 100 steps this week.
Dying Wrong, Dying Redundantly, and Dying for a Manicure
Andrew Scheer has revealed himself, throughout this entire pandemic, to be a truly rare anomaly: a douche that actually makes things smell worse.
Porn, Pudding Cups, and Some Good Fucking Poems
Asking for a loyal reader. Is there ANOTHER internet somewhere with more porn on it?
Moist Talk, Toilet Paper, and Tony’s Technically Perfect Penis
Was trying to multitask and I got my CERB application mixed up with my Grindr registration.
Cheating, Shaving, and Showering
First came self-tapes, where it actually costs actors money to audition. Then, with the pandemic, free online concerts and classes started happening everywhere.
Taking a Victory Lap, Taking Terrence McNally, and Taking the Cart Back
Andrew Scheer is considering kicking Doug Ford out of the Progressive Conservative Party altogether if he doesn’t stop helping people.
Memories, COVID Coverage, and The Clash
These are unprecedented times and many of us are stuck at home—trying not to let the news consume our lives, trying to keep positive, and trying not to freak out.
Ladies and Gentlemen, Covid Number 19
The cancelled Canadian Screen Awards broadcast this year has already beaten the last five years’ ratings combined.
Being Tolerated, Being Honest, and Being Precious
I have a good number of “Friends” and “Followers” on Facebook and Instagram. On Twitter, I feel like I mostly have “Ignorers” and “Barely Tolerators.”
Cartoon Raccoon, POP, and Being Good at Something
Last week, Emma Houlahan told me that the fine for shitting on a streetcar is lower than the one for riding without paying your fare.
Dabbling, Addiction, and Zombie Dad
This year I have decided to give up lenting for drink.
Zombies, Dental Plates, and the Number Twelve
Last Tuesday night I finally began having fun doing our show. Sometimes, in the beginning of a run, I have this ridiculous fear that at some point during the show I’ll forget the words I am supposed to say—that I’ll freeze up and the words will just stop coming out of my mouth.
Gravity, Smartasses, and Carrying Your Own Skull Around
“[…] we are all fools carrying a skull around, even if it happens to be our own.”
Nice Penises, Consistency, and Better Heroes
I didn’t watch the Super Bowl this year in support of Colin Kaepernick. In fact, I’ve been supporting him in that same way for about twenty years or so now.