Budgeting Miracles, Bad COVID Fringe Shows, and Tony’s New Porno
Nappoholics Anonymous is a weekly column featuring twelve random thoughts by actor Tony Nappo. Some are funny, some are poignant, some bother him, and some make him weep from sadness while others make him weep for joy. Here are his thoughts: unfiltered, uncensored, and only occasionally unsafe for work.
1. Happy Chanukah, Everyone!
I was researching the story of the miracle of the oil that was used to light the Temple because I’d never actually known it. Apparently, there was only enough oil for maybe a night and, somehow, the oil miraculously burned for 8 days and nights. It occurred to me that if you replace the word oil with the word budget, this could also the be the story of the miracle of how pretty much every single Canadian film ever made has gotten made.
2. LOL of the Week:
3. That fucking KFC movie with Mario Lopez has started a whole new film genre. I just got word that I booked the role of Burger King in a new all-male hardcore pornographic web series called Game of Bones. I think people are really going to love the scene where Peter Dinklage and I “share our fries.”
4. Resentment of the Week:
Because I didn’t think of this brilliant parody of that stupid fucking Colonel Sanders/Mario Lopez thing.
5. When I look around Toronto right now, I am so pleased to see so many people wearing masks everywhere I look, but I can’t help but wonder: if I were a woman who wore a niqab, how many times a day I might be spending having the thought, “Yeah, NOW you’re fuckin’ fine with it, asshole.”
6. Proposal of the Week:
7. She’s Got a Point of the Week:
8. Take it from me, if you’re playing a game of Eye Spy with My Little Eye on a long car ride to pass the time away, saying that you spy something that is “the shape and colour of my penis” may be momentarily hilarious as a hint but it probably isn’t going to kill a whole ton of time.
9. Poet of the Week:
10. Colin Mochrie recently celebrated a birthday. I’ll never forget how excited I was, back when I was using a lot of drugs, the time he invited me to come be a guest on Whose Line Is It, Anyway? and how disappointed and resentful I was when it turned out to be some kind of stupid fucking improv show.
11. Yup! of the Week:
12. If Paul Sun-Hyung Lee doesn’t write “Okay, See You” on his tombstone, I’m not gonna visit it. I’m just not going to. Not ever. Fuck him.
Tony Nappo
Tony is Italian, he’s from Scarborough, he’s an actor, he’s a father, he’s a really good house painter, and he doesn’t believe that most things matter, ultimately, at all.
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Paintings, Pornos, and Broken Countries
Every single fucking time there is a mass shooting, we all give the speeches, and we all share the memes (to each other, who are all mostly already in agreement), but nothing changes.
Gottfried, Strays, and Easter Eggs
Dogs rarely have a hidden agenda when they meet people or other dogs: they're either wagging that shit or they aren’t.
Slapping People, ACTRA Meetings, and Dog Shit
At one point, I was sleeping with so many actresses that they used to just hold ACTRA meetings in my bedroom.
Birthdays, Cranes, and Judd Apatow
If the Freedom Convoy has answered one question for every Canadian, I think it's this: whatever happened to that dumb kid in my class?
Scorsese, Dentists, and Dying Alone
If waving a Fuck Trudeau flag is a legit way to get a meeting with him, I’m gonna start waving my Fuck Scorsese flag wherever I go and keep my fingers crossed.
Truckers, Porndle, and Bad Boys
In these newly woke times in the entertainment industry, it’s slightly amazing to me that nobody has protested the fact that Denzel Washington isn’t actually Scottish yet.
Paintings, Pornos, and Broken Countries
Every single fucking time there is a mass shooting, we all give the speeches, and we all share the memes (to each other, who are all mostly already in agreement), but nothing changes.
Gottfried, Strays, and Easter Eggs
Dogs rarely have a hidden agenda when they meet people or other dogs: they're either wagging that shit or they aren’t.
Slapping People, ACTRA Meetings, and Dog Shit
At one point, I was sleeping with so many actresses that they used to just hold ACTRA meetings in my bedroom.
Birthdays, Cranes, and Judd Apatow
If the Freedom Convoy has answered one question for every Canadian, I think it's this: whatever happened to that dumb kid in my class?
Scorsese, Dentists, and Dying Alone
If waving a Fuck Trudeau flag is a legit way to get a meeting with him, I’m gonna start waving my Fuck Scorsese flag wherever I go and keep my fingers crossed.
Truckers, Porndle, and Bad Boys
In these newly woke times in the entertainment industry, it’s slightly amazing to me that nobody has protested the fact that Denzel Washington isn’t actually Scottish yet.
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