Truckers, Porndle, and Bad Boys
Nappoholics Anonymous is a weekly column featuring twelve random thoughts by actor Tony Nappo. Some are funny, some are poignant, some bother him, and some make him weep from sadness while others make him weep for joy. Here are his thoughts: unfiltered, uncensored, and only occasionally unsafe for work.
1. Calling Trudeau a coward for ignoring this cross-country asshole parade is like calling a high school principal a coward for refusing to throw a Halloween dance just because a bunch of petulant, entitled teenage bullies demanded that they do so on Remembrance Day.
2. Fuck Yeah of the Week
3. So I think I’ve finally invented Porndle, with the assistance of my friend Natasha Price. Each day, you have to guess a porn scenario (could be one or more participants of any orientation or gender identification, but always human and consenting and of legal age) and which particular acts in which they’re taking part. If you’re wrong, you hear a sound clip. If you don’t guess it after four sound clips, you lose…or do you?
Enjoy!
4. Hashtag of the Week
5. Shame of the Week
6. In these newly woke times in the entertainment industry, it’s slightly amazing to me that nobody has protested the fact that Denzel Washington isn’t actually Scottish yet.
7. Meme of the Week
8. My daughter’s second teenage relationship ended recently. She’s fine. She’s a great kid with a good head on her shoulders and a strong sense of self. I’ve noted with both of the young men that she dated that she’s had a tendency to gravitate towards being “bad boys.” I can’t help but feel that that might have had something to do with her perception of me. So I gave her this piece of relationship advice:
“You know, I’m an amazing fucking father but I’ve mostly been a shitty partner in my lifetime. If you meet guys like me, you should probably not invest too much in them. Look for nice guys. Stable guys. Guys like me are great to have some fun with but we will pretty much always let you down in the end.”
And I think that’s about the most honest thing I have ever said to anyone in my entire life.
9. Truth of the Week
10. Poem of the Week
11. I truly believe, at this point, that we have irreversibly crossed the societal great divide in North America. There now exist two separate realities. I can’t see this changing during the remainder of my lifetime. It seems to get worse every day.
If there is only one thing you take away from the years that I have been writing this column, I hope it’s this:
Everyone is certainly entitled to their own opinion. But nobody is entitled to your personal time or energy unless you choose to give it to them.
12. I want to end this week on a note of thanks to both Shawn Daudlin and Patricia Wilson, on behalf of our entire community. I, of course, don’t speak for this entire community, but I can’t imagine that even those who can’t stand me would oppose me here. And if they do, fuck ’em.
Thank you both, sincerely, for all your years of service at Buddies. You will most certainly be missed and remembered. Your departure from Buddies, meaning no disrespect to anyone else who has ever worked there, truly does mark the end of this era.
Wishing you the best in every regard going forward. Always with love.
Tony Nappo
Tony is Italian, he’s from Scarborough, he’s an actor, he’s a father, he’s a really good house painter, and he doesn’t believe that most things matter, ultimately, at all.
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Paintings, Pornos, and Broken Countries
Every single fucking time there is a mass shooting, we all give the speeches, and we all share the memes (to each other, who are all mostly already in agreement), but nothing changes.
Gottfried, Strays, and Easter Eggs
Dogs rarely have a hidden agenda when they meet people or other dogs: they're either wagging that shit or they aren’t.
Slapping People, ACTRA Meetings, and Dog Shit
At one point, I was sleeping with so many actresses that they used to just hold ACTRA meetings in my bedroom.
Birthdays, Cranes, and Judd Apatow
If the Freedom Convoy has answered one question for every Canadian, I think it's this: whatever happened to that dumb kid in my class?
Scorsese, Dentists, and Dying Alone
If waving a Fuck Trudeau flag is a legit way to get a meeting with him, I’m gonna start waving my Fuck Scorsese flag wherever I go and keep my fingers crossed.
Squid Game, Pre-Madonnas, and CBC Porn
I got my hands on the first few episodes of the Sex and the City reboot, and was quite enjoying it before I realized I had opened the wrong file and was actually watching Golden Girls reruns.
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