Investigative Parenting, Ari Mahler, and Uncool Tony Asks

Nappoholics Anonymous is a weekly column featuring twelve random thoughts by actor Tony Nappo. Some are funny, some are poignant, some bother him, and some make him weep from sadness while others make him weep for joy. Here are his thoughts: unfiltered, uncensored, and only occasionally unsafe for work.

1. If you would’ve told me when I was a kid in the 80s, before security cameras were commonplace, that one day seventeen dollars would only buy me one single pack of cigarettes or four boutique doughnuts (FOUR FUCKING DOUGHNUTS!!!), I probably would have tried to rob more banks and stolen less chocolate bars and bags of potato chips.

2. Why isn’t there a Canadian company that makes warm Halloween costumes? I mean, for fuck’s sake, every single year, it’s either freezing cold or raining. I can’t, in good conscience, give any candy to Spider-Man or Wonder Woman wearing a toque and a parka over their costume. It completely ruins the aesthetic.

3. Three Thoughts-

1. I’ve only ever heard asshole white people say it wasn’t okay to be white.

2. Has anyone honestly answered “okay” to the question “What’s it like to be white?”

3. White people make the shittiest propaganda signs. Invest in some cardboard, motherfuckers! Are you sign poor?!

4. Sure, you’re still the home of the brave, America. You just refuse to acknowledge them.

Land of the free, though? Not so much.

5. Is asking someone what’s your “addy?” instead of “address” a thing? Because, last week, I asked Ted Dykstra what his addy was and if it’s not a thing, can everyone start using it and make it a thing to make me look way cooler than I actually am.

Thanks,

Uncool Tony

6. Joey- I don’t get it.

Dominick- Penis Art, bro. Like I’m an artist with it, bro.

Joey- I don’t think that’s what it says, Dom.

Dominick- I fuckin’ wrote it down at the license place MYSELF, bro!!!

7. Very proud after seeing my cousin Lisa’s son Tom Abram in his first play, at Kingston’s Domino Theatre, on the weekend. Though I still resent the shit out of his youth, Sean Penn looks, zero percent body fat, and perfect hair. 

8. Conversations I wish that I’d never heard or contributed to, Volume 4, #193

My dad (to me)- How do I delete a photo from my tablet?

My daughter (to my dad)- I’ll show you.

Me (to my dad)- Make sure it’s not a nudie.

My mom(to me)- He wouldn’t delete a nudie.

9. “Here’s a challenge. Come up with ten black and white photos or ten movie posters or five or ten of some fucking other thing.”

I have a challenge for you. As much as I honestly enjoy seeing you share the things you share of your own free will, leave me out of it. Furthermore, I challenge you to find a hobby that takes up only your time and doesn’t involve you harassing other people to do homework for a class that they never even signed up for. Sure, it may be fun for you, but it’s work for the rest of us.

10. I knew that fucker got my stocking stuffers from Dollarama!!

11. Investigative parenting at its finest:

12. Wow. Complete and total respect. Let love rule.

Written By

Tony is Italian, he’s from Scarborough, he’s an actor, he’s a father, he’s a really good house painter, and he doesn’t believe that most things matter, ultimately, at all.