Nappoholics Anonymous is a weekly column featuring twelve random thoughts by actor Tony Nappo. Some are funny, some are poignant, some bother him, and some make him weep from sadness while others make him weep for joy. Here are his thoughts: unfiltered, uncensored, and only occasionally unsafe for work.
1. Hey, lady sitting in the aisle seat beside me? Why the fuck would you start Mamma Mia 2 at 4:02pm on a flight that lands at 4:17pm? This is what’s wrong with the world.
2. Classic Parenting- quitting is always an option
3. St John’s, Newfoundland, has such a great arts and film community. And it’s populated with a bunch of very fucking clever folks. The drivers alone could each have their own talk show and the ratings would be through the roof.
Legendary driver Gary Sexton picked a bunch of us up at the airport for the show Rex on a particularly miserable day and I said, “It’s fuckin’ raining already, is it?” To which, Gary replied,”Yes, b’y. But it’s a DRY rain.”
Another driver, Mike Webber, was asking me how things have been going and I said there had been lots of filming going on in Toronto these days and he said, “Yes, there’s lots going on here too, b’y” to which I responded, “Oh yeah? what else is going on here?” And he answered, “Well, around here, just the ONE show is lots.”
4. Free Career Shortcut Advice of the Week
5. This is just a guess but I think the most commonly used phrase in Hollywood between 1997 and 2018 was probably: “I’ve got a really terrible idea for a movie. Get me Nicolas Cage on the line!”
6. Shoshana Sterling gave me this bacon bandaid after I had a knife fight with her son and I thought it was the greatest invention of all time. That was until I had to be rushed to emerg at four a.m. to reattach my hand after I woke up and accidentally tried to eat it.
7. This is the time of year when racist assholes traditionally start complaining that they aren’t allowed to say Merry Christmas anymore. Suggestion—instead of being a racist asshole who says that, just say Merry Christmas and see how many people react negatively. I think, in most cases, you’ll probably find that number somewhere very around zero.
8. Torture is a language that everyone understands, unfortunately. As is bullshit.
9. I think the biggest key to a successful marriage is a well-timed death. I mean, it’s right there in the fucking vows, isn’t it?
10. I am loving the poster art for Martin Scorsese’s new Netflix produced feature Three Constipated Italians and One Who Just Shit His Pants.
11. Greatest Worst Pick Up Line Ever-
“You really put the GORGE in engorged, you know that?”
12. I have always kind of hated actors saying hi to the audience before a show as part of the show. If you’ve ever seen me in a show, you probably have seen me out front or in the lobby a few minutes before the show because I actually love to get a sense of who I will be doing the play WITH that night (not FOR). But the whole preshow mingling in the theatre or on the stage, I just find awkward and dumb, usually. I don’t feel it adds anything to the show, in most cases, and slightly confuses the audience as they don’t know exactly how they are meant to be responding. As a result, the audience usually don’t respond at all and just kind of stare at you.
Having said that, I recently saw Middletown at Crow’s Theatre and Gray Powell—whom I have always liked and admired—made his way up to my row to obligingly (my word) greet me as an audience member. Usually, I’m not sure what to say or if these guys are supposed to be in character or are supposed to be themselves or are maybe selling popcorn or whatever. And I would never want to fuck another actor up before a show but I felt like I knew Gray enough to break his balls a little bit and I was with Phil Riccio so maybe I was trying to show off or something, who knows? In any case, as Gray reached our aisle which was in the back row, he smiled and waved and I said (loudly enough but not shouting), “why are you not doing film and TV yet?” in a kind of faux sympathetic tone. Gray, without missing a beat, answered, “Is there a sign up sheet?”
So maybe those fucking things aren’t so bad after all.