Nappoholics Anonymous is a weekly column featuring twelve random thoughts by actor Tony Nappo. Some are funny, some are poignant, some bother him, and some make him weep from sadness while others make him weep for joy. Here are his thoughts: unfiltered, uncensored, and only occasionally unsafe for work.
1. My dad joined Facebook this year, and he can’t spell shit, but that doesn’t stop him from making himself heard—the way he did after my daughter’s school had been locked down because there was a kid inside it with a gun.
2. For Christmas this year, Doug Ford announced that he is cutting off the wings of all Toronto-born angels.
3. Well, for one thing, because they’re fucking muppets.
4. I have been absolutely mesmerized by the art design on the endless string of terrible, formula Christmas movies that I have been obsessively watching this year. I mean the snow that looks completely fake is easy, but I don’t think people fully realize how hard it is to come up with a home that looks like nobody ever has or ever will live in it or an office that looks like nobody ever has or ever will work in it. It takes a certain skill set and years of experience, along with courage to be that intentionally terrible and still sign your name to it.
5. Top 5 Scarborough All Time Christmas Movies
5. The Pastor’s Knife
4. Holiday In…Your Mama
3. The Cop Around the Corner
2. Drugs, Actually
1. Black Christmas
6. This time of year I often wonder that if I was an elf and someone yelled, “Hey, Elf!” at me, how would I know if they were calling me an elf or an E.L.F.?
7. Classic Me
8. I met Ella’s boyfriend this week and greeted him warmly with a hug and a “what’s up, motherfucker?”
The next day-
Ella- Thanks for being so cool, dad.
Me- Of course I’m cool. I’ll be cool with him until he gives me a reason not to be. And then, I’ll fuckin’ stab him.
Ella- That’s still cool.
Me- If I stab him?
Me- You are soooo MY daughter.
9. “But…but…I’m driving God around, bitches. You can’t do that shit in a Tercel.”
10. Guest Post of the Season
11. Dear Santa-
All I really want this year is to patent, sell, and make a lot of money on the condom app for phone sex that I invented. Please don’t let the world regain any sense of mass intelligence or reason until that happens.
12. It has been a year of many ups and downs and a lot of change but I’m still here and so are you. For those of you that are literally right here in this moment reading these words, I thank you for another year of support and wish you all a wonderful Christmas or whatever it is you celebrate at this time of year and, as well, wish you and your families health, happiness, and fulfillment in the year to come.
I find myself more hopeful this holiday season for a number of reasons I won’t go into. Some changes have happened that make me feel hopeful in a way that I have not felt for most of my adult life. And if I can do that, YOU certainly can. I traditionally spend this time of year alone, missing my daughter, feeling sorry for myself and, depending on the year, self-medicating or hiding. Breaking with those traditions, I have decided that this year I will be out in the world, either looking for ways to help whoever needs it, working out mentally or physically, or maybe just enjoying the simple things like trees and breathing and the smiling faces of strangers.
I want to leave you with a passage from Kurt Vonnegut’s Timequake. It is one of my favourite passages of anything I have ever read. If it sounds negative to you, it isn’t meant to be. It’s meant to be liberating and to remind you to live in the present moment always because the present moment is all we have and all that we ever have had and all we are ever going to have. So please do hold on tight to it and live the shit out of it—each and every one of you. I love you all in different ways. And if you do find yourself in a desperate place, reach out to me. I’m here.
See you in 2019.