Nappoholics Anonymous is a weekly column featuring twelve random thoughts by actor Tony Nappo. Some are funny, some are poignant, some bother him, and some make him weep from sadness while others make him weep for joy. Here are his thoughts: unfiltered, uncensored, and only occasionally unsafe for work.
1. Winning a bet on the Super Bowl Sunday is particularly difficult for Canadian Liberal voters- primarily because we tend to bet on a third team who actually isn’t even playing in the game but whom we all feel really DESERVED to be in the game and WIN it.
2. The Smoker’s Weather Network Forecast for Last Week:
Monday- fuck this, smoke inside.
Tuesday- fuck this, smoke inside.
Wednesday- maybe buy some of those fingerless gloves.
Thursday- yeah, fuck those gloves, smoke inside.
Friday- just quit smoking you fucking idiot, it’s freezing.
3. With the aim of celebrating more visual artists in our community, I offer you this brilliant piece from actress Kirsten Johnson entitled Stewardess Fight 1. Her hyper-real commissioned portraits also hang in the homes of more than one friend of mine. Check out more of her work here.
4. Ella pierced her own nose this week—which had been forbidden by both her mom and I. Yelling at her would have been a pointless exercise so I just forbid her from cleaning her room and paying closer attention to schoolwork.
Worth a shot.
5. Top Five Canadian Conservative Party Queen Songs
5. I’m in Love with My Tzar
4. Fat Bottomed Churls
3. Another Program That Actually Helped Somebody Who Needed Help Bites The Dust
2. Doug of My Life (You’ve Hurt Me)
1. We Will Fuck You
6. Guest Post of the Week
7. I find it funny that actors like myself who are such “social justice warriors” and are against foreign sweatshops making shoes and whatnot are more than happy to participate in co-op feature films or CIPIP films or whatever other ACTRA programs that are set up to pay actors well below scale to nothing at all just because we really want the opportunity to “work” at the craft we love. We are enablers and hypocrites.
Who knows? Maybe those kids just really love the craft of making shoes.
8. When I came out to find my ashtray had been buried in the snow last week, I didn’t piss and moan and make a big production of it, I did what any resourceful Canadian boy would do- fashioned a makeshift ashtray out of the snow.
You’re welcome, less resourceful belly-achin’ motherfuckers!!!
9. Public Service Announcement- if you get this text, ignore it. they’re just trying to get your financial information.
10. It was so cold last week I hugged Albert Schultz to get warm.
11. Just Do It of the Week
12. As I mentioned, Ella pierced her own nose last week. She showed me on FaceTime. I asked her to write about what that experience was like and this is what she texted me. I could not have been any more surprised or proud of what I read-
That Day I Pierced My Nose in My Bathroom
As I stormed away after crying and begging my mom to let me get a nose piercing for my fifteenth birthday and her refusing, I decided to take matters into my own hands. I found a safety pin and a lighter in the drawer in the dining room and I had some rubbing alcohol from when I got my ears pierced for my tenth birthday.
I gathered everything I needed and locked the bathroom door. I started playing some rebel music like “Bad Reputation” by Joan Jett to really put me in the mood
As I drew the dot location on my nose where I wanted the stud, using the smelly marker I’d begged my mom to buy me because everyone had them in grade five, I started to wonder if I really wanted this hole in my face or did I just want to have what I wanted, even if I didn’t really want it.
“You only live once,” I thought to myself as I started digging the safety pin in my nose.
As soon as I’d broken the skin I began to sweat and feel faint, Everything that could possibly go wrong with this flashed through my mind. “Shit shit shit!” I realized that I’d probably made a huge mistake and was about to pull the safety pin that was halfway through my nostril out when “Forgot About Dre” by Dr Dre and Eminem started playing. That kind of music always inspires me.
“Fuck it.” As I stared into the mirror, eyes tearing up a bit, one foot on the toilet, sweat coming down my face, pushing the pin further and further into my skin, I realized how strong I am. Every problem and reason to hide in my bed from the world wouldn’t hurt me anymore because I am strong.
Then I thought of all the things in the world that made me angry and boom.
A small bit of blood dripped out of my nose.
I quickly pulled the pin out and replaced in with my earring.
And just like that, it was done.
Did it bring as much joy as I had expected? No. But it did bring a feeling of strength and independence to me which I have been lacking these past few . . . well . . . my life.
I smiled at myself in the mirror and my reflection smiled back. “We can do this,” I whispered.
This life, we can do it.