Coffee Time, Frontal Nudity, and Jewbur
Nappoholics Anonymous is a weekly column featuring twelve random thoughts by actor (and recent Dora Award–nominee) Tony Nappo. Some are funny, some are poignant, some bother him, and some make him weep from sadness while others make him weep for joy. Here are his thoughts: unfiltered, uncensored, and only occasionally unsafe for work.
**Nappoholics Anonymous will be going on a two-week hiatus, to accommodate for the Toronto Fringe Festival, returning (better than ever) on July 13.
1. Years ago, I played the Italian waiter in a three-city production of Betrayal with Albert Schultz, Susan Coyne, and Diego Matamoros. When I saw this NAC postcard and Robert Cushman’s National Post review quote on it, I said to Albert, “That’s a funny way to spell four.”
2. The boom guy on Shoot the Messenger told me this one:
A guy goes into a library and says to the librarian, “Excuse me, do you have that new book on small penises?” The librarian checks her computer and answers, “I’m sorry. It’s not in yet.” The guy says, “Yeah. I THINK that’s the title.”
3. People who aren’t actors or who are new to it are always asking me how to tell if agents are scam artists or not. For themselves, for their kids, whatever. Firstly, no real agent should ask for a nickel when you sign with them—they work on commission. When you get work through their efforts, that’s where they make their money. Secondly, anyone who offers “in-house” photographers or acting classes or voice-over classes or demo reels or whatever are probably full of shit and looking to take advantage of the new and naïve. Your agent should be an agent. Your headshots should be taken by a photographer. And so on. Do your research. Also, generally speaking, don’t sign anything on paper that commits you to any length of time. I have never signed anything on paper that I can recall. If things aren’t working out, you have to be able to walk away. A shitty agent* will force you to sign a contract or whatever because they already know before they begin that you’re gonna want to leave at some point. A good agent doesn’t have to fear that. They know that they know how to do their job.
*a shitty agent is an agent who can’t actually get you any substantial auditions
4. Coffee Time is just Starbucks for crackheads.
5. I ran into Duane Murray at an audition this week. A very talented actor and up-and-coming filmmaker. I asked him if he was writing and he said he had been and, in fact, he had feature coming up that he was making. I asked him the obvious question: “Is it about a fat Italian guy?” It wasn’t. I wished him the best and went on my way.
I have no idea why people make films that they know nobody is gonna want to see.
6. About fifteen years ago, Tony Nardi became a legend for refusing to go to an audition for a film called Power and Beauty. They wanted him to read for some gangster role and he flat-out refused. When his agent called him and told him that the casting director on the project had threatened to blackball that agent’s entire roster if he didn’t come in, he fired his agent on the spot and went on to write a very widely read public letter (his first, to my recollection) on the whole incident. At the time, I had never heard of an actor refusing an audition outright. Usually you’d go in to keep everyone happy and just suck or book it and then ask for a ridiculous amount of money to do it (for anyone under thirty-five, it’s true, we used to actually negotiate what they were going to pay us… but I digress).The story spread across the country like wildfire—it was Herculean what Tony did and all of us were in awe. And because our names are somewhat similar, people would often congratulate me on taking a stand and refusing to compromise my ideals or bow to the pressure of THE MAN. They would go on at such length about how much they admired me and how I had become an inspiration to them. It became so common that, if I barely knew the person, I didn’t even bother correcting them. I just thanked them because it was a faster way to end the conversation, and I would say that I’m sure if it came down to it, they’d probably do the same.
This is a picture of me with Natasha Henstridge in Power and Beauty. Not only DID I read for the role that Tony didn’t read for, I played it.
Meh. I do lots of other heroic stuff.
7. It’s FRINGE season where you will receive a million Facebook “invitations” to see shows. They aren’t really invitations if you still have to pay to see the show. These things are invitations to see a show the same way Pizza Pizza coupons jammed into your screen door are invitations to dinner.
8. When Ella was a little girl, I used to take her into the men’s public washroom. That’s where this conversation took place.
Me- That’s called a urinal, that’s where men pee. They don’t have those in the women’s washrooms because women always pee sitting down.
Ella- (full of attitude) I ALREADY KNOW that. It’s because their vaginas aren’t long enough.
9. What is it with white people and Webers? A twenty-five minute line up, for what? IT’S A FUCKING HAMBURGER!!!
10. The last film I worked on required some frontal nudity for reasons I won’t go into and, for a variety of personal and professional reasons, I decided I didn’t want to do it, so a double was hired.
The kid who did it seemed like a nice kid. He had two ACTRA credits and needed a third to join the union. So, on the day of the shoot, he got both his third credit and a day’s pay, without ever showing his face, to just drop his pants for a few minutes.
I guess you could say that, by doing that, he, literally, became an ACTRA MEMBER.
11. Ari Cohen told me about this new car service he founded called Jewbur. It’s cheaper than Uber and you get to complain for the whole ride. (Really and truly Ari Cohen’s punchline. I’ve got balls the size of grapefruits but I’m not fucking crazy.)
12. If you ask me to be in your film and you don’t have any money at all to pay me, you should, at least, be able to tell me why you want me in it and what it is you want me to do. Sending a rough outline and saying, “… Everyone I speak to wants to work with you… I don’t get it” is not the strongest lead.
Tony Nappo
Tony is Italian, he’s from Scarborough, he’s an actor, he’s a father, he’s a really good house painter, and he doesn’t believe that most things matter, ultimately, at all.
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Paintings, Pornos, and Broken Countries
Every single fucking time there is a mass shooting, we all give the speeches, and we all share the memes (to each other, who are all mostly already in agreement), but nothing changes.
Gottfried, Strays, and Easter Eggs
Dogs rarely have a hidden agenda when they meet people or other dogs: they're either wagging that shit or they aren’t.
Slapping People, ACTRA Meetings, and Dog Shit
At one point, I was sleeping with so many actresses that they used to just hold ACTRA meetings in my bedroom.
Birthdays, Cranes, and Judd Apatow
If the Freedom Convoy has answered one question for every Canadian, I think it's this: whatever happened to that dumb kid in my class?
Scorsese, Dentists, and Dying Alone
If waving a Fuck Trudeau flag is a legit way to get a meeting with him, I’m gonna start waving my Fuck Scorsese flag wherever I go and keep my fingers crossed.
Truckers, Porndle, and Bad Boys
In these newly woke times in the entertainment industry, it’s slightly amazing to me that nobody has protested the fact that Denzel Washington isn’t actually Scottish yet.
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