Botox, Oasis, and Getting “Pinned”
Nappoholics Anonymous is a weekly column featuring twelve random thoughts by actor Tony Nappo. Some are funny, some are poignant, some bother him, and some make him weep from sadness while others make him weep for joy. Here are his thoughts: unfiltered, uncensored, and only occasionally unsafe for work.
1. Regarding my Trudeau post last week, I am still getting responses from idealists who say they plan to vote with their heart rather than strategically. They tell me that I can’t let fear cast my vote for Trudeau if I don’t believe he will be the best leader just to keep Scheer out of office. Fuck that noise, say I, in response. Fear is a good thing sometimes. There is a reason you fear fire or drowning in large bodies of water or falling off the edge of a cliff. Fear can keep you alive, at times. I encourage you to pay attention to fear and keep this country from falling off of a cliff.
2. Father of the Week
3. I can’t stand hearing Oasis songs anymore. As catchy as they were, they all mean absolutely nothing but desperately sound like they want to. Oasis is the Duran Duran of the 90s.
4. Classic Other Ella
5. In our industry, getting “pinned” for a project means you are on a very short list. You may get the job or you may not but you’re very close. I got pinned for a great job last week and have no idea whether I got it or not. The shit thing about being pinned is that if you don’t get it, it sucks to know you were close. I’d rather not know at all because I mostly forget about auditions as soon as I leave them as a means of self preservation.
Anyway, all this to say that last week, I told the woman that I have been seeing that I was pinning her as my partner. I think this is the kind of commitment that actors in relationships can understand and get behind.
6. Classic Me
(*Thief)
7. If had it all to do again, I wouldn’t go to law school or med school or even bother with learning how to act or paint houses or any of it. I’d just start a company that manufactures headphones. On average, I must lose or break a pair of those fucking things every month.
8. One thing I have never discussed in this column is Botox. Nobody talks about it, really. Not publicly, anyway. Which is dumb because, at a certain age, it becomes necessary for actors who play certain roles to maintain an ability to compete in this entirely ageist and youth-centric industry. Both men and women. You can have all the acting chops in the world and a resume as long as phone book- doesn’t fucking matter. You’re still gonna lose leading roles in film to younger, fresher faces because, in North America anyway, that’s what producers think people want to see. There is no shame in having Botox injections if you feel you need them. The question is, if you haven’t already started having them, when do you start? When do you actually NEED to start? As it happens, I have a very simple rule of thumb to find that out. Make an appointment to have a consultation. When you are at the appointment, if the doctor tries to sleep with you, you probably don’t need the injections. Case in point- since I conceived of and started using this test as a measuring stick, I haven’t needed it yet.
9. Top 5 Pop Star Poopy Diaper Nicknames
5. Smelly Furtado
4. Stink Floyd
3. Pissy Hinds
2. The Four Plops
1. DiaRihanna
10. I have to say, I’m with Dan on this one. Why do we have to fill out the exact same package every time we go to set? Why can’t we just have a set package that our agencies submit when we are booked? Including our driver’s license and health card and the safety certificate and the Cavco number? And now they’ve started asking for my personal tax assessments? For fuck’s sake, I spend more time doing this shit every time I go to set than I spend doing my taxes most years.
11. Just when I was getting ready to write some mean-spirited, Street Legal-getting-cancelled joke, Cynthia Dale has to go and tweet the classiest, proud, and dignity filled acceptance of her fate. Damned Italian women with their always teaching me right from wrong.
12. Michael Proudfoot reminded me to put some visual art back into the column, so I give you a portrait of Morro and Jasp painted by Amy Lee’s mother in law, the uber talented Nina Keogh. Her work can be seen on Facebook at Keogh Studio.
Tony Nappo
Tony is Italian, he’s from Scarborough, he’s an actor, he’s a father, he’s a really good house painter, and he doesn’t believe that most things matter, ultimately, at all.
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Paintings, Pornos, and Broken Countries
Every single fucking time there is a mass shooting, we all give the speeches, and we all share the memes (to each other, who are all mostly already in agreement), but nothing changes.
Gottfried, Strays, and Easter Eggs
Dogs rarely have a hidden agenda when they meet people or other dogs: they're either wagging that shit or they aren’t.
Slapping People, ACTRA Meetings, and Dog Shit
At one point, I was sleeping with so many actresses that they used to just hold ACTRA meetings in my bedroom.
Birthdays, Cranes, and Judd Apatow
If the Freedom Convoy has answered one question for every Canadian, I think it's this: whatever happened to that dumb kid in my class?
Scorsese, Dentists, and Dying Alone
If waving a Fuck Trudeau flag is a legit way to get a meeting with him, I’m gonna start waving my Fuck Scorsese flag wherever I go and keep my fingers crossed.
Truckers, Porndle, and Bad Boys
In these newly woke times in the entertainment industry, it’s slightly amazing to me that nobody has protested the fact that Denzel Washington isn’t actually Scottish yet.
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