Nappoholics Anonymous is a weekly column featuring twelve random thoughts by actor Tony Nappo. Some are funny, some are poignant, some bother him, and some make him weep from sadness while others make him weep for joy. Here are his thoughts: unfiltered, uncensored, and only occasionally unsafe for work.
1. Things you don’t aspire to hear a casting director say when you walk into an audition room, #312: “Hey!!!! You made it!!!” (- Jason Knight, 03/05/2019)
2. When people wish each other “Godspeed,” I think they’re mostly thinking of His speed when he was a young universe-creating upstart. Because I honestly don’t see Him in any real hurry these days to do a Him-damned thing to make the world, and/or mankind, any better. Maybe we should be wishing each other Revenue Canada’s Speed, or Death’s Speed, or the speed of some other quick, efficient asshole.
3. What a difference a decade makes. I’m (arguably) one of the worst breaker-uppers in the world now.
4. I’ve been spending so much time alone that I’ve started developing a pretty serious man crush on myself, even though I warned myself that right now I’m in a place where I’m really just not capable of returning my own feelings. But I still keep texting and calling myself several times a day – first thing in the morning, last thing at night – and sending myself a lot of cute or sexy selfies, despite the warning. I can’t help it. I know I’m sending mixed messages, but I just really like the attention I give me.
God, I can be such a selfish asshole to myself sometimes.
5. Guest Post of the Week.
6. Walking back from lunch with Erin Norah Thompson and Franco Lo Presti while teaching my class last Saturday:
Me: Shit! I told Limor I’d grab her a coffee.
Norah: There’s an Aroma at the corner.
Me (not hearing her): Fuck it. There will be a place up there somewhere.
Franco: There’s an Aroma on the corner.
Me: Oh, fuck yeah. I forgot about that.
Norah: This is like that thing when a woman says something and it’s completely ignored, and then a man says the exact same thing and suddenly it’s a great idea.
Me: Oh, fuck. Is that what you said? I just didn’t hear you. I knew you said something but I didn’t hear what it was. I’m fucking old. I’m so sorry.
Nora: I know, it’s okay.
Franco: That’s the thing about Tony. The only time he REALLY listens to anybody is when he’s acting in a scene with them.
7. Tweet of the Week.
8. After 13 callbacks, I just found out that STROMBO beat me out for the lead in the Netflix original movie A Giant in the Industry: The Peter Dinklage Story. Is there ANYTHING this fucking guy can’t do?
9. Ryan Gosling’s mom, it is rumoured, shit-talks him on boats all the time. This story is going to make him very sad.
10. I visited Jennifer Jansen’s website Wanderluv Maps. I love the sense of texture, and depth of land and water, she captures in her handcrafted work. She’ll make you a custom map of your favourite place if you’d like that. She also donates a percentage of her annual profits to saving and protecting the land from the Niagara Escarpment to the Bruce Trail Conservancy. Visit www.wanderluv.ca to see more of Jen’s work.
11. Posting memes of someone else’s quotes or ideas makes them yours as much as putting on a Jays shirt makes you Joe Carter.
12. Ella and I have been going through some teenage stuff recently, that I don’t need to and won’t share, and I hadn’t seen her for a month until last week. But last Wednesday we had butter chicken rotis, and cappuccino chocolate chip ice cream, and got caught up on Brooklyn 99. Then it was movie time, and I decided to show her the phenomenal French-Canadian film Starbuck; to give her some insight into the joys and frustrations of fatherhood. I hadn’t seen the film in years, and had forgotten how many times I cried when I had seen it previously. About the third time she caught me crying she said to me quite sternly: “Seriously. If you are crying over that, I will punch you in the face, pussy.”
I found this as hilarious as she knew I would. It felt like we had gotten back to where we were a month ago in a very short time, which was exactly what I had hoped for. Of course, what I’m hoping for now I won’t ever see happen if it comes to pass. And that is that 20-30 years from now, long after I’m dead and gone, she might be walking by a review cinema, or flipping through the channels, and somehow stumble across this film that she had forgotten all about, and that when she watches it she sheds a tear or two of her own remembering our night, and her comment, and her very imperfect crybaby of a father, and how close they once were, and how very much he loved her. And I hope she laughs to herself when she hears her dead dad calling her a pussy back from wherever the fuck all the crybabies go when they die.