Crunchless Doritos, Doug Ford Boozed, and My All-Time Favourite Films (Sort Of)

Nappoholics Anonymous is a weekly column featuring twelve random thoughts by actor Tony Nappo. Some are funny, some are poignant, some bother him, and some make him weep from sadness while others make him weep for joy. Here are his thoughts: unfiltered, uncensored, and only occasionally unsafe for work.

1. When people use the term Social Justice Warrior as a dismissal or an insult, what are they implying? That they’re a proponent of Social Injustice? What an asshole thing to aspire to be FOR.

2. Top 5 Titles of My 5 All-Time Favourite Films (if I Had Starred in Them)

5. Stocky
4. It’s a Wonderful Line
3.The Not Quite Yet Completely Sold on God Father
2. Actsy Driver
1. Aging Bull

3. Guest Post of the Week

4. The headline is a bit misleading. Turns out, Ford had as many supporters as detractors in attendance  It’s just that his supporters are all so fucking stupid that they were chanting, “BOOOOOOOOOOOZE!!! BOOOOOOOZE!!!”

5. I will never for the life of me understand why people feel compelled to take pictures of their own feet.

6. Sometimes Joe Pantoliano and I try to educate each other on the history of film. I’m not sure that he gets as much out of it as I do.

 

7. Tweet of the Week

8. I woke up and found a bowl of Doritos in the living room and tried a couple – as one does when they first wake up – but they tasted kind of terrible and had that crunchlessness that stale chips get. There weren’t just a couple of chips in the bowl. There was a whole bowl of them.

(When Ella wakes up.)

Me: Ella, when you have chips, either just eat them out of the bag or put the ones you don’t eat back into the bag and seal them so they don’t go stale. I had to toss them out because they tasted like shit after being left out all night.

Ella: (laughing) No, they didn’t.

Me: Yes, they did. And what’s so fucking funny?

Ella: They didn’t taste like shit because I left them out in the bowl. They tasted like shit because I licked all the stuff off them before I put them in the bowl.

(She howls at my disgust.)

I’m pretty sure I lost that round.

9. Classic Me

10. Rough Notes From The Screenplay I Won’t Ever Write

Billy: Hey, Trev. Is it true you’re seeing Cindy?

Trevor: Yup. For months now.

Billy: I thought she had a husband.

Trevor: Oh, she’s had LOTS of husbands! Only one of them was her own, though.

11. My Pride Weekend Cab Ride

Driver: Look at this day. All those people are going to that parade or something. Everyone is so happy. I can’t even tell who’s gay and who’s not. Every other person looks gay today.

(Two men walk by in brightly coloured, floral patterned shirts.)

Driver: Look at those two. Are they gay? I can’t tell if they’re gay.

Me: Maybe you’re gay and you’re just seeing what you want to see.

(Uncomfortable laugh from him. A short silence.)

Driver: I like women, though, man. (pause) I only like women.

Me: If you say so.

(The remainder of the ride is silent.)

12. Sometimes when you have a relationship break up, you might also lose a couple of friends in the mix. I have no problem with that. Friends, I have lots of. Okay, people I know and like a lot, anyway. What I don’t have is a lot of time to waste on keeping up the appearance of friendships that have expired. There doesn’t have to be any bad feelings involved. Every plate of my mom’s lasagna, every beautiful sunset and every single Beatles album comes to an end, at some point. That’s just the way shit goes.


Written By

Tony is Italian, he’s from Scarborough, he’s an actor, he’s a father, he’s a really good house painter, and he doesn’t believe that most things matter, ultimately, at all.