Penis Tattoos, Freedom of Choice, and Quality Filler
Nappoholics Anonymous is a weekly column featuring twelve random thoughts by actor Tony Nappo. Some are funny, some are poignant, some bother him, and some make him weep from sadness while others make him weep for joy. Here are his thoughts: unfiltered, uncensored, and only occasionally unsafe for work.
1. TGIF is a phrase that only really works for people who work real Monday to Friday, 9–5 type jobs. It’s doesn’t apply so much to actors. Instead, on Fridays, actors say stuff like, “Hey look, it’s today again!”
2. This conversation really happened:
Richard Zeppieri- I’m thinking of getting a tattoo on my penis.
Me- Of what?
Zep- A bigger penis.
3. When I was thirty-five, I played Stanley in A Streetcar Named Desire at Theatre Calgary. Tracey Ferencz played Stella and Kate Newby played Blanche. I really enjoyed the cast and theatre community in Calgary. It’s the only time I ever worked there. Probably partly because I told the artistic director at the time to go fuck himself… but I digress.
I find it really hard to work out of town. Partly it’s the boredom of having to pass the days in a place where I don’t have a life I am accustomed to living. I can only explore so much before feeling like, yeah, that’s enough, I get it, you’re a city.
But secondly. I really enjoy the community in Toronto and giving my work over to them to celebrate or dismiss. I have a history with them. I have a history here and people have seen my work develop in stages from beginning. I have supportive friends and detractors who I want to prove wrong by doing something they didn’t think I could ever do. I have collaborators here who I trust to push me farther and challenge me out of my comfort zone and make me better than I could ever be without them. I know the talent pool and am familiar with them and interested in THEIR work and am working WITH them—both former castmates or new ones who I have only ever had the chance to watch before. I have friends here. I have family. I am part of a bigger picture and it is a part of me.
When I have do a show out of town and I return home, it’s kind of like it never happened. I mean, they all are really KIND of like that once they are done but at least, at home, there are some witnesses around to prove it happened and remind me that it did.
And, besides that, everybody out of town hates a Toronto actor coming in and playing their parts. THAT is a motherfucking FACT.
4. My daughter Ella- Can I watch TV while I eat dinner?
Me- Will you go to bed early tonight without giving me a hard time?
Ella- Yes.
Me- You say that now but will you actually do it when I put you to bed?
Ella- How should I know? I’m not in the future.
5. I mean, come the fuck on with that whole plagiarized speech thing. This whole Trump campaign has got to be a fugazi. How many people live in the United States? 300 million and rising. And, of all those people, four of the last five presidents will have been named either Bush or Clinton. It’s a corporate-run quasi monarchy over there—nobody is even trying to hide it anymore. Freedom of choice can’t exist when you aren’t given any actual choice.
6. This was the cover of the album I won both Best Spoken Word and Best World Music Juno Awards for: Corn on Niqab.
7. I guaran-fucking-tee you that the people who keep adamantly refusing to support Black Lives Matter will be the same ones bitching about not “being allowed” to say Merry Christmas in December. #youreawhiteadultandcansaywhateverthefuckyouwantwithverylittlelikelihoodofgettingshotandorkilledforit
8. Dr. Pepper is just Brio for white people.
9. I saw these guys in concert last week at the Jackson-Triggs winery: Steven Page, Chris Murphy, Moe Berg, and Craig Northey, The Trans-Canada Highwaymen. Amazing show. I met all four of them at a small private party afterwards but I am complete dork when it comes to meeting musicians. I have no idea what to say, and my hello itself sounds like a nervous apology on a first date for actually showing up. I really just want to take a selfie and run away before I humiliate myself, to be honest.
I have had this exact conversation with Chris Murphy about ten times:
Me- Hey Chris.
Chris- Hey, man. How’s it going?
Me- It’s Tony. We play hockey together.
Chris- Oh yeah. That’s right.
Me- Yeah, so…………………..
Chris- ……………
Me- …………
Chris- ……….
Me- (pretending to have somewhere to go) Good to see ya again.
Chris- You too, man.
10. I lived with Nicholas Campbell in Vancouver for a couple of months during the first season of Da Vinci’s Inquest. We would often go out at night and shoot some 8 ball. He, in fact, taught me how to play.
Whenever people came up to him in public and asked him if he was on TV or if he was somebody famous, he would flash a giant smile and shake their hand enthusiastically and declare, “I sure am. Art Hindle, nice to meet you!”
11. A couple of years ago at my family picnic, my Aunt Jessie said to me: “You full of shit (her pet name for me), when I die I am to have them put me in an unmarked grave so you can’t find me to bother me anymore.” I said to her, “Auntie, I never visit you now. What the hell makes you think I’m gonna start when you’re dead?”
12. This is a painting I did of a dream my dog, Ruff, had. Like a Freaky Friday he was having with a goldfish. I haven’t really painted a lot and I haven’t really kept many of the ones I did. This one hangs in my mom’s kitchen.
Sure, this is filler. But it’s quality filler. You come up with twelve good ones a week, motherfucker.
Tony Nappo
Tony is Italian, he’s from Scarborough, he’s an actor, he’s a father, he’s a really good house painter, and he doesn’t believe that most things matter, ultimately, at all.
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Paintings, Pornos, and Broken Countries
Every single fucking time there is a mass shooting, we all give the speeches, and we all share the memes (to each other, who are all mostly already in agreement), but nothing changes.
Gottfried, Strays, and Easter Eggs
Dogs rarely have a hidden agenda when they meet people or other dogs: they're either wagging that shit or they aren’t.
Slapping People, ACTRA Meetings, and Dog Shit
At one point, I was sleeping with so many actresses that they used to just hold ACTRA meetings in my bedroom.
Birthdays, Cranes, and Judd Apatow
If the Freedom Convoy has answered one question for every Canadian, I think it's this: whatever happened to that dumb kid in my class?
Scorsese, Dentists, and Dying Alone
If waving a Fuck Trudeau flag is a legit way to get a meeting with him, I’m gonna start waving my Fuck Scorsese flag wherever I go and keep my fingers crossed.
Truckers, Porndle, and Bad Boys
In these newly woke times in the entertainment industry, it’s slightly amazing to me that nobody has protested the fact that Denzel Washington isn’t actually Scottish yet.
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