Cheating, Shaving, and Showering
Nappoholics Anonymous is a weekly column featuring twelve random thoughts by actor Tony Nappo. Some are funny, some are poignant, some bother him, and some make him weep from sadness while others make him weep for joy. Here are his thoughts: unfiltered, uncensored, and only occasionally unsafe for work.
1. First came self-tapes, where it actually costs actors money to audition. Then, with the pandemic, free online concerts and classes started happening everywhere. Now you need to have your own recording studio at home to do voice work. By the time this is all over, we’re gonna be expected to shoot our own TV shows and movies at home and give them away for free too.
2. Dilemma of the Week:
3. Apocalypse Silver Lining #12:
At least I don’t have to homeschool my kid.
She doesn’t even SCHOOL when she’s at SCHOOL.
4. Reunion of the Week:
5. In keeping with the spirit of those annoying social media games, I will now list, by first and last name, ten actors that you have probably heard of that I know for a fact have cheated on their present partners, with only one of them being a lie.
- That Made
- A Lotof You
- Really Fucking
- Nervous Didn’tit
- You Could
- Always Have
- Claimedto Be
- The One
- That I. was
- Lying A. Bout
6. Fuck Yeah of the Week:
7. Guest Post of the Week:
From Vancouver actor Ryan Robbins. Please take this fucking thing seriously. It is nowhere near over with.
8. I’ve been alone for so long now that my shower called the police and filed a missing person’s report on me.
9. Tweet of the Week:
10. Saw a news report that the Chinese factory that makes most hockey sticks used in the NHL has been shut down to stop the spread of COVID-19. Why the fuck would you report on a factory shut-down that will affect absolutely nobody? That’s like reporting on a condom factory closing down that only made condoms for me during the 90s.
11. #LarryLooks
For my money, the most delightful thing that has emerged from this entire period so far is a series of photos that Pat Thornton and his beautiful wife, Maggie Bologna, have been creating featuring their son, Larry. He has been dressed up as everyone from Napoleon to Dolly Parton. I haven’t featured this in the column because I didn’t want to appear to be attempting to appropriate their genius for my purposes. But after seeing this photo of Larry dressed up like his mom on her wedding day, I just wanted everyone who hasn’t seen any of these photos yet to see all of them and to spread them far and wide in these terrifying times, so that as many people as humanly possible can enjoy the effort and beauty of these shots. I encourage everyone who hasn’t yet to check out the hashtag #LarryLooks. My sincere gratitude to Pat, Maggie, and Larry for the gift of these.
12. At least the Leafs haven’t lost in a while… Hello?… Is this thing on?
Tony Nappo
Tony is Italian, he’s from Scarborough, he’s an actor, he’s a father, he’s a really good house painter, and he doesn’t believe that most things matter, ultimately, at all.
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Paintings, Pornos, and Broken Countries
Every single fucking time there is a mass shooting, we all give the speeches, and we all share the memes (to each other, who are all mostly already in agreement), but nothing changes.
Gottfried, Strays, and Easter Eggs
Dogs rarely have a hidden agenda when they meet people or other dogs: they're either wagging that shit or they aren’t.
Slapping People, ACTRA Meetings, and Dog Shit
At one point, I was sleeping with so many actresses that they used to just hold ACTRA meetings in my bedroom.
Birthdays, Cranes, and Judd Apatow
If the Freedom Convoy has answered one question for every Canadian, I think it's this: whatever happened to that dumb kid in my class?
Scorsese, Dentists, and Dying Alone
If waving a Fuck Trudeau flag is a legit way to get a meeting with him, I’m gonna start waving my Fuck Scorsese flag wherever I go and keep my fingers crossed.
Truckers, Porndle, and Bad Boys
In these newly woke times in the entertainment industry, it’s slightly amazing to me that nobody has protested the fact that Denzel Washington isn’t actually Scottish yet.
Paintings, Pornos, and Broken Countries
Every single fucking time there is a mass shooting, we all give the speeches, and we all share the memes (to each other, who are all mostly already in agreement), but nothing changes.
Gottfried, Strays, and Easter Eggs
Dogs rarely have a hidden agenda when they meet people or other dogs: they're either wagging that shit or they aren’t.
Slapping People, ACTRA Meetings, and Dog Shit
At one point, I was sleeping with so many actresses that they used to just hold ACTRA meetings in my bedroom.
Birthdays, Cranes, and Judd Apatow
If the Freedom Convoy has answered one question for every Canadian, I think it's this: whatever happened to that dumb kid in my class?
Scorsese, Dentists, and Dying Alone
If waving a Fuck Trudeau flag is a legit way to get a meeting with him, I’m gonna start waving my Fuck Scorsese flag wherever I go and keep my fingers crossed.
Truckers, Porndle, and Bad Boys
In these newly woke times in the entertainment industry, it’s slightly amazing to me that nobody has protested the fact that Denzel Washington isn’t actually Scottish yet.
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