Phase Three, Good Philosophy, and Phallic Portraits
Nappoholics Anonymous is a weekly column featuring twelve random thoughts by actor Tony Nappo. Some are funny, some are poignant, some bother him, and some make him weep from sadness while others make him weep for joy. Here are his thoughts: unfiltered, uncensored, and only occasionally unsafe for work.
1. What’s the difference between a Canadian actor and a Canadian Sex worker? You have to pay the sex worker BEFORE you fuck them.
2. Sometimes when I am painting in super-hot weather, I just fold up a paper towel and place it into my ass crack end to end to avoid sweat build up which will lead to a rash. I had started calling it my Manpon but then realized that, as clever as it may have been, it was not technically accurate. So I settled on calling it a Cracksy Pad.
3. Inspiration of the Week: (Simu, if you don’t know, is Marvel’s newest superhero)
4. I mean, imagine if there actually was a guy going after him with a gun after he killed his first victim—and so he killed that second guy “in self defence”—except that second guy was a cop. I’m pretty sure that everyone defending his actions as self defence right now would be screaming their lungs out that we should hang him. It isn’t the circumstance his supporters are defending—it’s that he was on the cop’s team and they are both out to kill the other team. That other team is Black Lives Matter.
Those supporters are simply supporting the murder of anyone on Team Black Lives Matter whether those killers are wearing a police uniform or not.
5. Food for Thought of the Week: (since per diem has now become a more important element of feeding ourselves going forward—potentially even when we aren’t on location)
6. Thank God for phase three. My social life was starting to make Travis Bickle’s look like Charlie Sheen’s.
7. Guest Post of the Week:
8. Recent actual conversation with my 15-year-old daughter:
She: You should dye your beard, dad.
Me: I’m not dying my beard.
She: Why not?
Me: Because people who die their beards always look like they die their beards.
She: Let me do it. I’m really good at dyeing.
Me: No.
She: You know who else is really good at dying?
Me: No. Who?
She: Prince.
And I never even saw it coming. Well played, daughter. Still too soon but well fucking played.
9. Hero of the Week:
10. Legacy of the Week:
11. Philosophy of the Week:
12. So I finally signed up to an online dating site. In an attempt to be a breath of fresh air to women, I’m using a penis photo as my profile picture and then sending unsolicited pictures of my face to people’s private message boxes.
It was actually working out way better than I had initially anticipated—until I started sending the face photos out.
Tony Nappo
Tony is Italian, he’s from Scarborough, he’s an actor, he’s a father, he’s a really good house painter, and he doesn’t believe that most things matter, ultimately, at all.
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Paintings, Pornos, and Broken Countries
Every single fucking time there is a mass shooting, we all give the speeches, and we all share the memes (to each other, who are all mostly already in agreement), but nothing changes.
Gottfried, Strays, and Easter Eggs
Dogs rarely have a hidden agenda when they meet people or other dogs: they're either wagging that shit or they aren’t.
Slapping People, ACTRA Meetings, and Dog Shit
At one point, I was sleeping with so many actresses that they used to just hold ACTRA meetings in my bedroom.
Birthdays, Cranes, and Judd Apatow
If the Freedom Convoy has answered one question for every Canadian, I think it's this: whatever happened to that dumb kid in my class?
Scorsese, Dentists, and Dying Alone
If waving a Fuck Trudeau flag is a legit way to get a meeting with him, I’m gonna start waving my Fuck Scorsese flag wherever I go and keep my fingers crossed.
Truckers, Porndle, and Bad Boys
In these newly woke times in the entertainment industry, it’s slightly amazing to me that nobody has protested the fact that Denzel Washington isn’t actually Scottish yet.
Paintings, Pornos, and Broken Countries
Every single fucking time there is a mass shooting, we all give the speeches, and we all share the memes (to each other, who are all mostly already in agreement), but nothing changes.
Gottfried, Strays, and Easter Eggs
Dogs rarely have a hidden agenda when they meet people or other dogs: they're either wagging that shit or they aren’t.
Slapping People, ACTRA Meetings, and Dog Shit
At one point, I was sleeping with so many actresses that they used to just hold ACTRA meetings in my bedroom.
Birthdays, Cranes, and Judd Apatow
If the Freedom Convoy has answered one question for every Canadian, I think it's this: whatever happened to that dumb kid in my class?
Scorsese, Dentists, and Dying Alone
If waving a Fuck Trudeau flag is a legit way to get a meeting with him, I’m gonna start waving my Fuck Scorsese flag wherever I go and keep my fingers crossed.
Truckers, Porndle, and Bad Boys
In these newly woke times in the entertainment industry, it’s slightly amazing to me that nobody has protested the fact that Denzel Washington isn’t actually Scottish yet.
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