Different Muscles, A Full Schedule, and Joe Pesci’s Facelift
Nappoholics Anonymous is a weekly column featuring twelve random thoughts by actor Tony Nappo. Some are funny, some are poignant, some bother him, and some make him weep from sadness while others make him weep for joy. Here are his thoughts: unfiltered, uncensored, and only occasionally unsafe for work.
1. A big difference between acting and house painting is that they use completely different muscles. After all this time off, actors are bound to be a little rusty if they haven’t been doing things to keep their acting instrument nimble and ready. Thankfully, house painting uses mostly the same muscles as masturbation so I’m pretty much always ready to paint a house.
2. Book of the Week:
3. If Joe Pesci got a face lift and had his Everything Interesting removed, he’d be Ralph Macchio.
4. Debate Moment of the Week:
5. On Thanksgiving, I was very vocal and highly critical of anyone gathering in large groups. Someone asked why I was such a downer and couldn’t just respect other people’s choices. That is such a stupid fucking question. It would be like asking a guy attending a gay orgy in the mid 80s who is insisting that his sex partners wear condoms why he is such a downer and can’t respect other people’s choices.
6. Exchange of the Pandemic:
7. Fuck Yeah of the Week:
8. I know there are a lot of offensive terms when it comes to the way people refer to a woman’s vagina. My favorite code name I have ever known belonged to a woman who would refer to it as “my schedule.” (And, yes, of course, I asked her permission to print this.) I would ask her, in our private code, “Hey, what’s your schedule like this afternoon?” and she would answer things like, “Wide open,” “Unavailable,” “I’ll have to get back to you,” and shit like that.
To her eternal credit, though, she never once gave me the answer, “All full up.”
9. Guest Post of the Week:
10. I really enjoyed all the posts for that #lightuplive thing, but I wished that it had more of a point to make than just awareness of all of the folks who are out of work and suffering. I mean, I’ve been watching UNICEF commercials for about fifty years now and am aware, as are most people, that people are starving in Africa. But people are STILL starving in Africa, no matter how much awareness is raised. I would have liked to see #lightuplive tied more directly to the movement for a basic standard of living in Canada. Just my two CERB cents.
11. Serious Question of the Week:
12. Back when I began my career, I thought that the irony of ironies for Canadian actors is that you have to leave Canada in order to become a famous Canadian actor. Now I know the real irony is that your Canadian Actors Equity Card is made of the best material for crushing cocaine (because it doesn’t stick to it) but nobody who makes their living working in theatre can actually afford to buy any of it.
Tony Nappo
Tony is Italian, he’s from Scarborough, he’s an actor, he’s a father, he’s a really good house painter, and he doesn’t believe that most things matter, ultimately, at all.
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Paintings, Pornos, and Broken Countries
Every single fucking time there is a mass shooting, we all give the speeches, and we all share the memes (to each other, who are all mostly already in agreement), but nothing changes.
Gottfried, Strays, and Easter Eggs
Dogs rarely have a hidden agenda when they meet people or other dogs: they're either wagging that shit or they aren’t.
Slapping People, ACTRA Meetings, and Dog Shit
At one point, I was sleeping with so many actresses that they used to just hold ACTRA meetings in my bedroom.
Birthdays, Cranes, and Judd Apatow
If the Freedom Convoy has answered one question for every Canadian, I think it's this: whatever happened to that dumb kid in my class?
Scorsese, Dentists, and Dying Alone
If waving a Fuck Trudeau flag is a legit way to get a meeting with him, I’m gonna start waving my Fuck Scorsese flag wherever I go and keep my fingers crossed.
Truckers, Porndle, and Bad Boys
In these newly woke times in the entertainment industry, it’s slightly amazing to me that nobody has protested the fact that Denzel Washington isn’t actually Scottish yet.
Paintings, Pornos, and Broken Countries
Every single fucking time there is a mass shooting, we all give the speeches, and we all share the memes (to each other, who are all mostly already in agreement), but nothing changes.
Gottfried, Strays, and Easter Eggs
Dogs rarely have a hidden agenda when they meet people or other dogs: they're either wagging that shit or they aren’t.
Slapping People, ACTRA Meetings, and Dog Shit
At one point, I was sleeping with so many actresses that they used to just hold ACTRA meetings in my bedroom.
Birthdays, Cranes, and Judd Apatow
If the Freedom Convoy has answered one question for every Canadian, I think it's this: whatever happened to that dumb kid in my class?
Scorsese, Dentists, and Dying Alone
If waving a Fuck Trudeau flag is a legit way to get a meeting with him, I’m gonna start waving my Fuck Scorsese flag wherever I go and keep my fingers crossed.
Truckers, Porndle, and Bad Boys
In these newly woke times in the entertainment industry, it’s slightly amazing to me that nobody has protested the fact that Denzel Washington isn’t actually Scottish yet.
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