Cheap Head, Good Art, and “Me Time” for Men
Nappoholics Anonymous is a weekly column featuring twelve random thoughts by actor Tony Nappo. Some are funny, some are poignant, some bother him, and some make him weep from sadness while others make him weep for joy. Here are his thoughts: unfiltered, uncensored, and only occasionally unsafe for work.
1.How is a lockdown like a penis? The longer it is, the more fucked you feel.
2. Gift Idea of the Week:
3. I really enjoyed International Men’s Day last week. The one day a year that men get to take a break from carrying the weight of the world on our shoulders and have a little “me time” while women try desperately, for 24 hours, to fix all the shit we’ve fucked up over the last 364 days.
4. Senior Citizen of the Week:
5. Whenever I post an old picture of myself looking young and strapping, the gay male response to the female response is roughly 20-1.
I really think I might have missed out on my true calling. Or on a shitload of free drinks, at least.
6. Top Five Impotent Master Painters:
5. Henri Ma Tease
4. Vincent Van No Gogh
3. Don’t A Tello
2. Michaelcantbelow
1. He No Hardo DaVinci
7. Art Collector of the Week:
8. Quote of the Week:
9. Conundrum of the Week:
10. Whenever I’m asked at a checkout whether or not I have Air Miles, I always say, “Where am I gonna go?” I’ve been saying that for years. Well, COVID has made that line the funniest fucking thing that poor fucker who is ringing me up has heard all week. Every time!!!!
So, thank you, Covid. Thank you so much. You’re not ALL bad, after all.
11. Fuck Yeah! of the Week:
12. I’m so fucking tired of people bitching about lockdowns. We have consistently been asked from the VERY FUCKING BEGINNING to social distance, wash our hands, and wear a mask. There has been no mixed message from day one until now in that regard.
The people who haven’t done these things are responsible—not only for the rising case numbers and deaths but for FORCING the lockdowns and all of the additional tragedy and trauma that comes with them.
THOSE PEOPLE are responsible for the depressions, suicides, UNEMPLOYMENT, lost businesses, people not being able to see their families, people not being able to visit those in long term care facilities, the people who have had to die alone with nobody at their side, the increased drug and alcohol consumption, the increase in domestic abuse, all of it.
Not the government. The people. The government is trying their best to protect us from those people. Because those people don’t give a fuck about anybody but themselves.
The people who have refused to follow health and safety protocols. This is ALL ON YOU. It’s that fucking simple.
Keep those thoughts in your head over the next few weeks. You can be part of the problem or part of the solution. It’s your decision. It always has been.
Put another way: when the government said I could gather in a group of ten, I didn’t. When they opened up the gym in my condo, I didn’t use it. When they said I could go to bars or restaurants or movie theatres, I didn’t. When they said I could gather in a group of fifty, I didn’t. When they opened up the schools, I told my daughter she didn’t have to go. No matter what they have said it was okay to do, I haven’t done it. Because these have all been concessions and compromises. I have continued to stay home alone as much as humanly possible and exercised caution every day and moment throughout this pandemic. Any exceptions have been just that—exceptions. (I ate one hamburger with my daughter in Sudbury at an empty establishment three months ago and got tattoos with my daughter a few days ago—in an almost empty, very large, well ventilated space—from a guy who wore his mask below his nose only when he was working because he wore glasses that fogged up, but he had his mask on properly the entire other hour and a half we spent with him). Very, very, rare exceptions where I made a judgement call and assessed the risk to be a minimal one.
I don’t listen to what the government says I can do. I don’t listen to baseless conspiracies that only tell me what I want to hear. I listen to the fact that there is STILL a pandemic happening that has not become any less dangerous than when it started no matter how tired I am of it. It is killing people every single day. And I don’t want to get sick or pass the virus on to anyone else. I DO listen to what health experts recommend in terms of health and safety protocols and I listen to my body’s deeply ingrained instinct to want to stay healthy and alive.
*And (only because somebody is going to bring it up in the comments somewhere) when they said I could go to work again, yes, I did, because a) if you do have to go to work, film sets are about the safest place on the planet that you can be, and b) I make a lot of money when I go to work and I needed it. If I didn’t NEED the money, I’d have happily stayed home. At work, I never stopped following the social distancing protocols, washing my hands constantly, and wearing a mask—because you are actually relatively safe no matter what you do if you ACTUALLY AND PROPERLY follow the health and safety protocols 24/7.
Tony Nappo
Tony is Italian, he’s from Scarborough, he’s an actor, he’s a father, he’s a really good house painter, and he doesn’t believe that most things matter, ultimately, at all.
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Paintings, Pornos, and Broken Countries
Every single fucking time there is a mass shooting, we all give the speeches, and we all share the memes (to each other, who are all mostly already in agreement), but nothing changes.
Gottfried, Strays, and Easter Eggs
Dogs rarely have a hidden agenda when they meet people or other dogs: they're either wagging that shit or they aren’t.
Slapping People, ACTRA Meetings, and Dog Shit
At one point, I was sleeping with so many actresses that they used to just hold ACTRA meetings in my bedroom.
Birthdays, Cranes, and Judd Apatow
If the Freedom Convoy has answered one question for every Canadian, I think it's this: whatever happened to that dumb kid in my class?
Scorsese, Dentists, and Dying Alone
If waving a Fuck Trudeau flag is a legit way to get a meeting with him, I’m gonna start waving my Fuck Scorsese flag wherever I go and keep my fingers crossed.
Truckers, Porndle, and Bad Boys
In these newly woke times in the entertainment industry, it’s slightly amazing to me that nobody has protested the fact that Denzel Washington isn’t actually Scottish yet.
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