Nappoholics Anonymous is a weekly column featuring twelve random thoughts by actor Tony Nappo. Some are funny, some are poignant, some bother him, and some make him weep from sadness while others make him weep for joy. Here are his thoughts: unfiltered, uncensored, and only occasionally unsafe for work.
1. On January 12, 2021 at 3pm EST, Ontario Premier Doug Ford declared a State of Emergency on my balls. This means that all of the people who have been ignoring them since the beginning of the pandemic took two minutes to study the new guidelines and will, most likely, continue to ignore them.
2. Hypocrites of the Week:
3. If January 6th taught us anything, it’s that whatever doesn’t kill you is still feverishly planning to kill you, at some point, so either kill it first or figure out a way to stop it. Don’t fucking kid yourself.
4. Venn Diagram of the Week:
5. Instagram Handle of All Time:
6. Perspective of the Week:
7. I spent so much time lying on my couch last year that it’s taking me to court for spousal support.
8. Nappo Virtual Christmas Highlight of 2020
So, I’m giving my mom a virtual tour of my new apartment on Messenger video. I show her my dad’s old bowling trophy on top of my fridge.
Mom: When are you going to come and take the boxes of hockey trophies under my bed?
Me: Never. Just throw them all in the fuckin’ garbage. I don’t want ‘em.
Mom: I’m not throwing anything in the fucking garbage. I’m saving them for you to come and get whenever you want them.
Me: I’m never coming to get them. They will stay under your bed until you die and then I’ll either bury them with you or throw them in the fuckin’ garbage.
My sister: She has saved so much junk from when we were kids it’s not even funny.
Mom: You better not bury me with your god damned trophies.
My sister: When she dies you better bring a lot of garbage bags over.
Mom: YOU BETTER NOT BURY ME IN A GOD DAMNED GARBAGE BAG!!!!
9. Super Tweet of the Week:
10. Tribute of the Week:
11. I often joke about addiction in this column, but it’s been a super hard year for addicts and the holiday season in particular is always a difficult one for us. Addiction is a topic that comes up often in social media, often following a tragic and seemingly preventable death, and it is often people who aren’t addicts doing most of the talking and judging and preaching and all I can do is shake my head because anyone who isn’t an addict cannot possibly ever understand what it is like to live with addiction. Not ever. Not if you know someone who is an addict. No matter how close you are to them. No matter how much you love them. No matter how much your life has been affected by their addiction. You just don’t know, and you can’t know. You may believe that you can know or that you do know but you’re fucking wrong.
But the fact of that alone—that non-addicts can’t ever understand—is not a necessary thought to share. The thought that, at some point, in any conversation about addiction, anyone who isn’t an addict simply has not got a fucking clue what they are talking about. But the thoughts that that thought brought me to might be worth sharing.
Like the thought that, at some point in any conversation about the Black experience, anyone who isn’t Black has not got a fucking clue what they are talking about. In the exact same way that, at some point in the conversation about the Indigenous experience, anyone who isn’t Indigenous has not got a fucking clue what they’re talking about. In the exact same way that, at some point in the conversation about the LGBTQ experience, anyone who isn’t a member of the LGBTQ community has not got a fucking clue what they are talking about. In the same way that, in any conversation about being a woman, anyone who isn’t a woman does not have a fucking clue what they are talking about. And so on and so forth.
I’ve got one specific goal among many for 2021. Learning to listen more and listening to learn more.
12. Guest Post of the Week: