Ringtones, Toronto Sports Teams, and Halloween Costumes
Nappoholics Anonymous is a weekly column featuring twelve random thoughts by actor Tony Nappo. Some are funny, some are poignant, some bother him, and some make him weep from sadness while others make him weep for joy. Here are his thoughts: unfiltered, uncensored, and only occasionally unsafe for work.
1. The biggest problem with having the theme from Rocky as my ringtone is nobody in the theatre buys it when I do that fake “Whose phone is THAT?” thing when it goes off during a show.
2. Top 5 Dirtiest Hockey Hall of Fame Player Names:
5- Twatty Bowman
4- Marcel Pee On
3- Bobby Whore
2- Jerk Broda
1- Dickie Moore
3. Had a great conversation outside of Kat Sandler’s Late Night with a couple of folks regarding the use of TV screens in the show and their effectiveness. How, by forcing the characters in the show to acknowledge and play to the unseen audience, as well as the in-house studio audience, the stakes were raised and the tension and discomfort was amplified. Some of the horribly wonderful jokes resonated more powerfully and landed even harder with the added weight of the entire North American television audience seeing and hearing them.
It reminded me of working on Peggy Pickit Sees the Face of God. In the play, we employed a camera to show the perspective of an African doll, which symbolized an African child who had been abandoned during a conflict and left behind. The audience could see us through the eyes of the doll. Adding the perspective of an African child watching this suburban dinner party play out was a statement in the context of the play.
The designers Torge Møller and Momme Hinrichs had one simple philosophy: whenever a camera (or the images we see through its lens) is used in a show, it has to be, in essence, a character in and of itself. If it’s not, it isn’t helping to tell the story at all. It is merely a style choice without substance. It’s just an unnecessary distraction.
Tony Nappo, Kristen Thomson, Tom Barnett, and Maev Beatty in Peggy Pickit Sees the Face of God. Photo by John Lauener
4. I think, at some point, we should just face the facts and change the name of the big three Toronto professional sports teams to the Toronto False Hopes, the Toronto Not Ever Gonna Happens, and the Toronto Just Give Us Your Money and Shut The Fuck Ups.
The Argos can just stay the Argos.
5. My girlfriend Kate, always showing off.
6. From my greatest hits album:
I am so returning this “slutty RH Thomson” costume to Value Village. It totally makes me look like Albert Schultz.
7. I was sure that I had worked with the director I am presently working with, Alain, before, but it took me a week of wondering to finally Google him and investigate. Turns out, I haven’t. But I did audition for him about six or eight months ago to be the villain in Bon Cop Bad Cop 2. It was a long audition where he worked me and we did the scenes a few times each and in a few different ways. It went very well but I knew they would be looking all over Canada for the actor to play the role, so I did my best and left and forgot about it.
I went up to him the other day and confessed that where I knew him from had been bugging so I had looked it up and discovered what I had. He said to me, “That’s why you’re here. THAT audition. You were very close to getting that part, we went back and forth, we struggled with it, but I said, I’m gonna work with this guy sometime.”
I didn’t get the part in BCBC2 but I did get the biggest role of my career so far in an amazing project working on a great script with a brilliant cast. My point is, as I have made many times in this column, auditioning IS our job. And every time you KILL an audition and DON’T book a job doesn’t necessarily mean that that audition, in the end, won’t end up getting you a job someplace, somehow.
8. I want to just take a moment to quash the rumours about me drinking, not showing up to set, and just being generally difficult to work with on Turner & Hooch 2.
That dog is a FUCKING LIAR!!!!!!
9. A homeless man once traded me a cigarette for this joke:
What do you get when you put fifty civil servants in a room with fifty lesbians?
A hundred people who don’t do dick.
10. In Montreal making small talk with the Thai restaurant guy, “Where ya from?” “Why’re ya here?” That kinda shit. I tell him I’m working here acting. “Would I know you? What have you done?” I give him the most recognizable titles, to save time. Inevitably, he says, “Well, you must be rich, then.” I tell him, “Not at all. I’ve got Tom Yum money but not Fuck You money.”
11. And the winners, hands down, of the Canadian Theatre Halloween Costume of the Year 2016 are Greg and Toni Ellwand, dressed as newlyweds Kelly Nestruck and Charlotte Corbeil-Coleman. Thanks to all the rest of you for participating.
12. Lastly, I want to personally thank, along with my partner Kate Brown, the Tarragon Theatre, Theatre Passe Muraille and the Coal Mine for each donating two season passes to the Oddtoberfest benefit thrown by our good friends Stuart Muirhead and Laura Carpenter Muirhead who lost their boy, “Odd Socks” Ollie, a year ago. They raised over $8000 in one night for Paediatric Advanced Care Team at SickKids who cared for Ollie.
Tony Nappo
Tony is Italian, he’s from Scarborough, he’s an actor, he’s a father, he’s a really good house painter, and he doesn’t believe that most things matter, ultimately, at all.
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Paintings, Pornos, and Broken Countries
Every single fucking time there is a mass shooting, we all give the speeches, and we all share the memes (to each other, who are all mostly already in agreement), but nothing changes.
Gottfried, Strays, and Easter Eggs
Dogs rarely have a hidden agenda when they meet people or other dogs: they're either wagging that shit or they aren’t.
Slapping People, ACTRA Meetings, and Dog Shit
At one point, I was sleeping with so many actresses that they used to just hold ACTRA meetings in my bedroom.
Birthdays, Cranes, and Judd Apatow
If the Freedom Convoy has answered one question for every Canadian, I think it's this: whatever happened to that dumb kid in my class?
Scorsese, Dentists, and Dying Alone
If waving a Fuck Trudeau flag is a legit way to get a meeting with him, I’m gonna start waving my Fuck Scorsese flag wherever I go and keep my fingers crossed.
Truckers, Porndle, and Bad Boys
In these newly woke times in the entertainment industry, it’s slightly amazing to me that nobody has protested the fact that Denzel Washington isn’t actually Scottish yet.
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