Reggae Cover Bands, Staring Contests, and Teenage Politicians
Nappoholics Anonymous is a weekly column featuring twelve random thoughts by actor Tony Nappo. Some are funny, some are poignant, some bother him, and some make him weep from sadness while others make him weep for joy. Here are his thoughts: unfiltered, uncensored, and only occasionally unsafe for work.
1. I hope I don’t die in 2017. Everyone will be saying that it’s “soooo last year.”
2. If you are a reggae band that plays only Dean Martin and Frank Sinatra covers, I will strongly consider hiring you for my fiftieth birthday party. And also your band name must be Rasta Fazool.
3.
4. What did one enema say to the other enema?
Nothing. They were both stuck up assholes.
5. I feel bad for Doug Ford sometimes. And whenever I do, I make myself watch a Tim Allen movie. All the way through. With no breaks. It’s cruel, I know, but it’s the only way I’ll learn.
6. Dora Award–winning actor Anand Rajaram was fake arrested last week in Toronto, Canada for the attempted murder of the Pun. “It was a long and cruel process,” said one fictional witness. “Really hard to watch at times.” Another added, “I don’t know what he was thinking. Once he started, it’s like he snapped. He just wouldn’t stop. So many innocent people have suffered and will continue to suffer for a long time to come. There just aren’t enough counsellors to handle the caseload at present.” The Pun is presently in Facebook Hospital’s ICU on life support. A pretend doctor is cautiously optimistic, “I think the Pun just needs a lot of rest and time to heal from this whole devastating ordeal, but I’m sure it will be back on its feet in time. I mean, it’s not like it’s a person. It’s just a humorous device. Don’t be dumb.”
7. One time I had a staring contest with Maurice Dean Wint that lasted 57 days.
8. I love those photos that people retake in the same location and position and with the same people years later. They move me. Something to do with how completely defenceless we are against time and death. And how these photographs somehow form a direct link to another time and a connection between people, something that time has not yet been able to take from them. I find them joyous and celebratory. A minor human victory in a world that seems more and more completely dominated by sadness and loss.
9. Ways to Fuck the Sound Guy Up #7:
Put some Pop Rocks in your mouth right before they call action in a scene where you don’t have any dialogue. You’re welcome.
10. Trump released his new holiday album this week entitled It’s Christmas When I Say It’s Christmas, featuring the hit single “I Saw Romney Kissing Santa Clause” and his duet with Mariah Carey “All I Want for Christmas is Yooge.”
11. I’m pitching a show to the CBC about a teenage politician who also faces the problems of being a normal teenager. It’s called Douchey Howser, MP.
12. If we learned anything from Standing Rock, it’s that change IS POSSIBLE and we can defeat the corporate overlords, but we aren’t likely to change shit sitting on our asses typing about it on a keyboard. Much respect to the men and women who literally stood their ground.
Tony Nappo
Tony is Italian, he’s from Scarborough, he’s an actor, he’s a father, he’s a really good house painter, and he doesn’t believe that most things matter, ultimately, at all.
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Paintings, Pornos, and Broken Countries
Every single fucking time there is a mass shooting, we all give the speeches, and we all share the memes (to each other, who are all mostly already in agreement), but nothing changes.
Gottfried, Strays, and Easter Eggs
Dogs rarely have a hidden agenda when they meet people or other dogs: they're either wagging that shit or they aren’t.
Slapping People, ACTRA Meetings, and Dog Shit
At one point, I was sleeping with so many actresses that they used to just hold ACTRA meetings in my bedroom.
Birthdays, Cranes, and Judd Apatow
If the Freedom Convoy has answered one question for every Canadian, I think it's this: whatever happened to that dumb kid in my class?
Scorsese, Dentists, and Dying Alone
If waving a Fuck Trudeau flag is a legit way to get a meeting with him, I’m gonna start waving my Fuck Scorsese flag wherever I go and keep my fingers crossed.
Truckers, Porndle, and Bad Boys
In these newly woke times in the entertainment industry, it’s slightly amazing to me that nobody has protested the fact that Denzel Washington isn’t actually Scottish yet.
Paintings, Pornos, and Broken Countries
Every single fucking time there is a mass shooting, we all give the speeches, and we all share the memes (to each other, who are all mostly already in agreement), but nothing changes.
Gottfried, Strays, and Easter Eggs
Dogs rarely have a hidden agenda when they meet people or other dogs: they're either wagging that shit or they aren’t.
Slapping People, ACTRA Meetings, and Dog Shit
At one point, I was sleeping with so many actresses that they used to just hold ACTRA meetings in my bedroom.
Birthdays, Cranes, and Judd Apatow
If the Freedom Convoy has answered one question for every Canadian, I think it's this: whatever happened to that dumb kid in my class?
Scorsese, Dentists, and Dying Alone
If waving a Fuck Trudeau flag is a legit way to get a meeting with him, I’m gonna start waving my Fuck Scorsese flag wherever I go and keep my fingers crossed.
Truckers, Porndle, and Bad Boys
In these newly woke times in the entertainment industry, it’s slightly amazing to me that nobody has protested the fact that Denzel Washington isn’t actually Scottish yet.
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