Bird Puns, Nappoholics Readers,
and Faking a Stroke
Nappoholics Anonymous is a weekly column featuring twelve random thoughts by actor Tony Nappo. Some are funny, some are poignant, some bother him, and some make him weep from sadness while others make him weep for joy. Here are his thoughts: unfiltered, uncensored, and only occasionally unsafe for work.
1. Opened a show this week. Was on the cover of the Star’s entertainment section. Did Breakfast TV and Global’s Morning Show. Was interviewed at Q107. I felt just like Pat Thornton but without all the good looks, funny jokes, and political enemies.
2. If whatever doesn’t kill you makes you stronger, watching Dana Carvey’s latest stand-up special on Netflix must be kinda like doing steroids while you work out in prison.
3. Ann Margret keeps a journalist company while her co-stars Alan Arkin, Morgan Freeman and Michael Caine take their mid-morning nap.
4. Tony Nardi was eating lunch in a restaurant last week. The waiter came over and asked him, “Is ANYTHING all right?”
5. Shit I would have said until I drove my cast crazy if I was in the show Stupid Fucking Bird.
-Go pluck yourself.
-How’d you like my EGG-zit?
-What are you, a quackhead?
-Cluck you.
-That shit just ain’t gonna fly.
6.
7. A few months ago a makeup artist I haven’t worked with for years saw me on an episode of Conviction and sent me a message saying that I should tell my dermatologist to go easy on the Botox.
I wrote her back- My dermatologist?? I don’t even go to the fucking dentist.
8. This week marks the thirty-third anniversary of me not having a fucking clue what that whole Max Headroom thing was about.
9. The ad that ran above my column last week was brought to my attention by Bruce Brenton.
Who the fuck do they think is reading this thing???
10. After twenty-five years, Tom Cochrane is hitting the road with his “Remember When I Wrote That One Catchy Song Twenty-Five Years Ago World Tour.” His fans couldn’t be more excited to hear his entire catalogue of HIT SONG live.
11. I’m not saying the Mirvish crowds are old… BUT, if one more audience member asks me to introduce her to the “young hunk on the poster,” I’m gonna fake a stroke.
12. When people break my balls to quit smoking, I tell them not only do I plan to smoke until I die but I also plan to be cremated so I can smoke even after I’m dead.
Tony Nappo
Tony is Italian, he’s from Scarborough, he’s an actor, he’s a father, he’s a really good house painter, and he doesn’t believe that most things matter, ultimately, at all.
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Paintings, Pornos, and Broken Countries
Every single fucking time there is a mass shooting, we all give the speeches, and we all share the memes (to each other, who are all mostly already in agreement), but nothing changes.
Gottfried, Strays, and Easter Eggs
Dogs rarely have a hidden agenda when they meet people or other dogs: they're either wagging that shit or they aren’t.
Slapping People, ACTRA Meetings, and Dog Shit
At one point, I was sleeping with so many actresses that they used to just hold ACTRA meetings in my bedroom.
Birthdays, Cranes, and Judd Apatow
If the Freedom Convoy has answered one question for every Canadian, I think it's this: whatever happened to that dumb kid in my class?
Scorsese, Dentists, and Dying Alone
If waving a Fuck Trudeau flag is a legit way to get a meeting with him, I’m gonna start waving my Fuck Scorsese flag wherever I go and keep my fingers crossed.
Truckers, Porndle, and Bad Boys
In these newly woke times in the entertainment industry, it’s slightly amazing to me that nobody has protested the fact that Denzel Washington isn’t actually Scottish yet.
Paintings, Pornos, and Broken Countries
Every single fucking time there is a mass shooting, we all give the speeches, and we all share the memes (to each other, who are all mostly already in agreement), but nothing changes.
Gottfried, Strays, and Easter Eggs
Dogs rarely have a hidden agenda when they meet people or other dogs: they're either wagging that shit or they aren’t.
Slapping People, ACTRA Meetings, and Dog Shit
At one point, I was sleeping with so many actresses that they used to just hold ACTRA meetings in my bedroom.
Birthdays, Cranes, and Judd Apatow
If the Freedom Convoy has answered one question for every Canadian, I think it's this: whatever happened to that dumb kid in my class?
Scorsese, Dentists, and Dying Alone
If waving a Fuck Trudeau flag is a legit way to get a meeting with him, I’m gonna start waving my Fuck Scorsese flag wherever I go and keep my fingers crossed.
Truckers, Porndle, and Bad Boys
In these newly woke times in the entertainment industry, it’s slightly amazing to me that nobody has protested the fact that Denzel Washington isn’t actually Scottish yet.
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