Gourmet Hot Dogs, Herdoch Mysteries, and Tips for Aspiring Hacks

A graphic of Tony Nappo edited to appear as multiple people sitting in a circle as a spoof of Alcoholics Anonymous. At the top and bottom of the image is text that reads "Nappoholics Anonymous"

Nappoholics Anonymous is a weekly column featuring twelve random thoughts by actor Tony Nappo. Some are funny, some are poignant, some bother him, and some make him weep from sadness while others make him weep for joy. Here are his thoughts: unfiltered, uncensored, and only occasionally unsafe for work.

1. I’m old enough to remember when “freedom fries” was a misnomer born of protest rather than a fair and accurate description.

2. Back when we did Sean Dixon’s A God in Need of Help at Tarragon, there was a scene towards the end of the show where we had to act like we were asleep for about eight minutes. Nine out of ten performances, Alden Adair had to wake me up for real so I could stand up and say my next line.

I am THAT fucking good.

3. I don’t know what the fuck constitutes a “gourmet hot dog” but I do know it should fire its agent. I mean, a SHARED CARD with a plain old sandwich and a smoothie. Come on!!!!!

4. Top 5 The Who Lyrics For Italians

5- Meat in the new sauce, same as the old sauce.

4- Talkin’ bout my compensation.

3- The cracks between the paving stones poured by rivers of mangia cakes.

2- Mommy, can you feed me?

1- That deaf, dumb, and blind kid sure makes a mean meatball.

5. One time when I was a teenager, I had dream where it was a Friday and I was walking home from school, looking forward to the weekend and hanging out with my friends, when God appeared to me. I was pretty overwhelmed and didn’t quite know what to say so I kind of awkwardly blurted out, “TYIF!” God just kind of rolled his eyes and walked away shaking his head mumbling to himself. God can really be a tough crowd, sometimes.

6. My daughter Ella undid the braids she got while away on vacation in Mexico and was immediately signed as the new lead singer for INXS.

7. CBC has a new period crime series called Frankie Drake about Toronto’s only female detective set in the 1920s prohibition era. I don’t have any real joke here. I just want to be the first person to nickname the show the HERdoch Mysteries.

8. Pro Tips for Aspiring Hacks: Installment One

I set a personal record of four auditions in one morning last week. Between audition three and four I was having a cigarette, and Ron Lea, the prince among men that he is, said, “How are you for the lines? You want me to run anything with you?”

Me- “Nah. Fuck it. I’m just gonna do the lines from the last audition. I don’t think anyone’ll notice.”

9. I am delighted to be a part of Ravi Jain’s just-announced cast, along with David Fox, Lilli Franks, Anusree Roy, and David Yee, for Tremblay’s masterpiece, Albertine in Five Times, which Jain will be directing for Soulpepper’s 2018 season. The daring show will be presented entirely in Portuguese and morse code and lit solely with reusable e-lighters and tin foil. What can’t this guy do?

10. The only thing more disgusting than the million little black hairs all over my bathroom floor is the fact that I don’t have a dog.

11. Demonstrators gathered outside of Queen’s Park last week protesting the unofficial Canadian observance of Star Wars Day on May 4th. The National Association for the Prevention of Cruelty to Lispers also released this statement: “Pleathe thtop obtherving May 4th as Thtar Warths Day. It’th a needleth thelebration that’th hurting tho many innothent people.”

12. A standing ovation to Alex Poch-Goldin for spearheading the campaign which will see at least twenty major theatre companies honour the life and memory of NOW Magazine’s Jon Kaplan with “a seat and a plaque or some other innovative memorial.” Many photos of the temporary tributes were posted online last week. They quite instantly became the very powerful symbol of our collective grief and love for Jon. Until some of the permanent memorials are available, here are a few more photos of temporary tributes that I like to think would have brought a smile to Jon’s face.

Are you a Nappoholic? Are you ready to let the whole world know? We have just the statement shirt for you.

Check out our new Nappoholic T-shirts, available for order here.

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Tony is Italian, he’s from Scarborough, he’s an actor, he’s a father, he’s a really good house painter, and he doesn’t believe that most things matter, ultimately, at all.